Anyhooooo, long story short is that I've had moments of where I think, "what the hell am I doing here?" I'm somewhat depressing to say the least. What, you say?
D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-N-G!
I was contemplating for a bit on shutting my blog down and calling it a day more or less. Tho, I kept holding out. For one, I know somehow, someway my blog is at least therapeutic to me. Hey, I can be a tad selfish....TYVM. It is my blog and all. Then, possibly.....I'm thinking, yeah the hamsters upstairs are running their wheels, maybe somehow I might just be helping another peep out who is living the same Batman Hell that I've been living in since last May.
Weeeelll....WHATEV at this point in the game is what I say...........
So's, how about a dishing of insanity for starters? I r'mber one of the 1st things I mentioned to my counselor when I decided to go for "grief" counseling, is that "I have and feel like I'm going/or have gone fucking insane." In fact, I think I used that exact quote more or less. For one thing since I lost Trent, I really feel--- almost on a daily basis that I've been sucked into this Twilight Zone vortex. I'm pretty sure Rod Serling is involved with voice overs and all. Me kid you not. I find myself crying one moment and laughing hysterically almost the next, and actually really laughing. Enjoying life.....95%, and then realizing again, what I have lost.
Til almost just now I was blaming Trent. Not for what he decided to do, which to this day or in future days I will p'bly never, ever comprehend.
What has been said about grief as a bedfellow......is so true, it hurts and hurts again. It not only follows you to bed, but has bfast, lunch and dinner with you. Oh, and don't even forget about snack time...duh!!
I blame the evilness of grief that haunts me day in and day out. Grief has spidery webs that tend to cast it's sticky threads around me, and at times the webs almost consume me to non-existence. More times than not, grief makes me feel like I'm totally out of control, whether it is with wild abandon that I laugh out loud, get mad and then some over something ridiculously stupid or cry rivers of tears not knowing if the tears will stop in a minute an hr or..............
End all be all, grief sucks big time!!
Tho, I know I need to go thru the process, and even worse I have to watch the ones I love go thru the same insaNIty and at times stand by helpless because of my own grief insaNIty.
Somehow, someway in future time I will make it thru the vortex......until then, all you(s) just DEAL.
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