It's not that complicated. You don't. You go through all the 5 stages of grief. And you grieve again and again.
I have survived Trent for almost 10yrs since he took his life by a gun to his own head in his Air Force Dorm.
What I do know, is that you have to let people in. Your family. Your friends. I put on my Nurse's hat and became a nurse during my son's death. I was so strong, so brave, sooooo??? I hated that shit. I cringed when I heard that crap. You know what? That's who I was. Period. I was someone that could get shit done during the day. Screaming in my bath at nite like a wild animal. Get up the next morning and be not "his" mom. I was training for a marathon and ran and ran....injured myself and still did Chicago in 2011 even though I shouldn't have. I drank. I ran. I drank some more. I wanted to die myself. Trade my life for his. I was hoping that a car would take me out on the way to work....every frickin single day.
This is the aftermath of grief.
Though I am a mom that lost my first born son. I'm still here. I know this isn't a pleasant conversation at all.
I'm here to say. You fucking will survive! You will fucking survive this!! You will survive losing your husband, daughter, son, wife and .........YOU WILL SURVIVE!!
Wow! It's been awhile, eh? I'm still here! Yayaya!
Tho I almost once again shut down my blog due to spammers and hackers. Now I have to monitor comments and such, so we shall see how it all plays out.
It has been a crazy couple of weeks. The entire Boston nitemare and fallout from said, nitmare. Our lives forever, (once again) will be changed, devastated, etc., in this mad man wake. It seems to be a frickin scratch in the record, that keeps repeating over and over and over..............
I think for some reason I was more touched personally with Boston than other insults to our country in the last + decade. I dunno why. Maybe because I have BQ'd a few times. The last time I qualified to run in Boston was in 2009. Due to family and monetary issues I was not able to enter the race. I was aware of several friends racing in Boston this year. I dunno, it just hit me in the gut BIG time.
Due to Boston, social media, and me and/or of both us, I had a falling out with a certain person that has done her share of supporting me these last years. Someone that became my touchstone when things went to grey at times, and almost the blackest black for me these last couple of years. We have/had both each other's backs and then some.
I know that we have encounters with people that only have short stays in our life spans (I count Trent as one of these peeps), and others that we meet just seem to feather dust us and exit our lives. Our paths become slightly diverted or take a major path change due to these people that touch our lives.
Long story short, is when I was out running this song came on my iPhone. Silly in a way really, but profound to me. I was running with a Zombie-Apocolypse game that shuffles songs from my phone randomly inbtwn the storylines. Hence the random shuffle in I-anything. This one song came on by Alanis. I was more than surprised. More than likely due to the fact that this wasn't checked on my playlist for this game. Ironically it coincided with my game that I was running against. It also coincides with speaking out too quickly, judging too quickly, getting angry easily and not taking a step back to think about it. Maybe it's time for us to realize that we are indeed totally human in nature. We are "human"-animals, tho with a higher brain function. Tho at times.......I wonder if that is really true. Sometimes the lower animals are more humane and forgiving than us higher animals.
**The great irony of human intelligence is that the only species on Earth capable of reason, complex-problem solving, long-term planning and consciousness understands so little about the organ that makes it all possible—the brain. —Amanda Bower, Time, 20 Aug. 2001**
Yeah...TIME. It's catching up with me. I'm turning 50 at the end of this week, and at times I feel none the wiser. I'm more at odds now with how or where I should take my career than ever before. Should I just settle into something that is now quasi-comfortable, tho it is taking a toll on my body and I have a hard time just "feeling the love" for it, or should I be brave and venture out?
I'm a nurse by trade. I have an absolute love/dislike (at times) with my trade of choice. Tho long story short, nurses are not that highly regarded. In fact we are customer service reps now, and waitress/waiters extraordinaire, social workers in a pinch, and now with paperwork more often than not, therapists, unordained clergy at times, and this is just the cream at the top. Am I burning out? Yes. Tho I have this masochistic desire to keep stepping back into the fire as you will. Why? Because, somehow, some patient, some family member needs my type of nursing damn it! I'm seasoned. I may not be as seasoned as some, but I am definitely seasoned to the point of being spicy. At times I think "what the hell is wrong with me?" Not for being spicy mind you. Tho for sticking with a profession that quite a few people don't respect as "a profession."
Mind you, when you are under my care don't spit on me, don't punch me or kick me in the gut--no nice at all. If you call me a "bitch or "whore"....no worries. I have been called worse in Farsi and other languages I'm sure, or the same. Whatever. Name calling I can handle. I realize that if you are angry at me because you are intubated (on a ventilator) and not sedated as I wish, or if you have soft wrist restraints on and still trying to grab at every tube in you something is amiss and it isn't me. Talk with your family before you are in the hospital. Yes. Your family/familia discuss your wishes. Unfortunately you are at your family's wishes at this time. I cry, I stress, and now I have periods of being over it. Why? Because, the most important talk anyone should have is with their family about intensive care or end of life care. If not your family, then have someone non-related become a healthcare proxy for you. It just is. Things can change when things go bad=loved ones admitted to ICU. Also remind your family members to please respect me and my colleagues. We are not your servants. We are RNs and we have our CNAs to help us on occasion. With cuts we have to manage phones, and hold MDs hands at times with computer orders. This at times can take time, a step or two back, aka meaning that there might be a delay in morphine orders and ?? Please remember that we not only hold your hand (you are always our first priority) but your loved one's hands and extended family.
I have to say this post went in a different direction, but an important one. As a nurse, please let me help you and care for you in the best way possible.
I can't say that I haven't tried to blog since my last rant/post. I have. Though, I just didn't have the drive, thought, essence to see them through I guess. I had writer's block I presume. Even though I'm really not a writer, but sometimes it's fun to think that I am. :-)
2013 already has some issues. Not major thankfully, but some tad issues none-the-less. My youngest son finally decided to strike out for CA gold more or less. He is in San Jose now, but things may change very soon for him. He has wanderlust in his soul. He has had the need to strike out on his own for awhile now. No. He has not lived at home for a bit. That is all good mind you. Who knows? Maybe he will find himself up in the PNW soon enuf. I can only hope that he finds a job and has adequate shelter 98% of the time during his journey of self discovery. On another note, my daughter has moved back home. Her plans are to attend two colleges and is on a fast track program with one. We shall see. I'm honest in saying it's an adjustment to have a kid back in the house again. M & I were actually learning to enjoy "our" time. Changes are trying at times let's just say. Even small ones that you should feel good about can be difficult.
As for me, well I am on a quest to hit my 1st and p'bly only 100 mile run week. I've been delayed on this goal these last couple of weeks. Sooo busy. I had two elective massage classes start up. Love learning more, which helps my peeps in the long run. Work has been crazy to say the least. I also tweaked my back...let's just say it was not smart in twisting my torso while emptying large (Home Depot) buckets of water from my spa a few days ago. Crap on a stick!! Off time mandated.
Tomorrow I start back up again, but at reduced mileage volume for sure. I bought my very own Bosu ball from Costco today. Gonna start my own core-strength program.
Time will tell. It tends to dictate everything one way or another.
By the way, Happy 2013!! I hope this year goes most xcellent for everyone!!
I haven't blogged in a long while. My interests or interest to blog has gone on hiatus, that is until today. Today is another fucking infamous day in our history. Another gun shooting has gone down. Social media is ablaze and then some. It's definitely feeding the news machine, which unfortunately at times can hold us prisoners to its intentions and effects.
In a way I have shied away from the news or the tv news today. I was too busy doing whatever, but I knew something was amiss when I hit FB this a.m. before my day began. I saw school shooting posts, or posts of agony from peeps that aren't related or even in the mix. I shut down my puter and went on out to my day. Tho.....I had to find out what was what, so I que'd my satellite radio to NPR, MSNBC, etc. I found out rather quickly, and just shook my head. Yes, I was sad, but somehow a tad immune to all of this. It's horrendous don't get me wrong, but I am becoming immune, but outraged at the same time.
Why am I becoming immune you might ask? Well, let's see, since I can remember and actually crying for these tragedies (outside my own) there has been Jonestown....yeah, not in America, but an American tragedy nonetheless. I have to tell you, as a young girl seeing the bodies spread across Time Magazine.................., Columbine OMG! OMG!
Now in the last what? The last 12 yrs we have had too many school shootings, theatre shootings, and mall shootings. It's sickening, sad, and then some.
I am angry...maybe immune is not the right wording. Maybe the media shoving footage of kids scared half to death at Sandy Hook Elementary, and teens jumping out of two story windows at Columbine, or the dead people in Jonestown piled on top of each other is just etched in my brain and maybe yours too. In a way, that is sad in itself. Media memories. Nasty business indeed.
Ok, so this is what I'm getting at...yeah, you love me anyways. I read a Facebook post today. It made me squirm to say the least. I thought it was altruistic, and too innocent in the face of today's tragedy. Tho, unfortunately anything that makes me squirm, makes me think, like a lot.
The basis of this post was LOVE. In fact I quote from this post and hope I don't get nailed for it------ excerpt- "The violence that happened today froze my heart. People need to spread love to show that love is the only solution to every problem. Spread love before it's too late"!
K, so it's been a bit since I've blogged or really since I've blogged about running per se. I'm actually thinking my Chicago blog post was my last running post, but I might be wrong, tho really, except for me who really gives a care?
Sooooo, my hub's and I did the Tougher Mudder a week or so ago now. Yeah, well time is blurry to me lately. I blame it all on the mud, sand, hills, and frickin obstacles.
1st things 1st. Before I get into the Mudder experience, I occasionally get asked either via FB or email why I named my blog Running Princess. I posted the lack of reasoning in my 2nd blog post, but I know most of you are too lazy to go back that far. I would be. It was a play on myself. I try not to take myself too seriously, and there ya have it.
Plus most of us girls are groomed from a very young age that being a Princess is absolutely intoxicating, or at least the thought of being one is. I will run a race/event in a Princess TuTu in 2013, so I will actually be the Running Princess for reals. So question answered I hope? Damn well better be.
Ok....onward here. The TM as we started to affectionately call it. My ultra fit husband (no shittin peeps) went to work right away to get more Ultra Fit for this event. P90 was in store for a good couple of months, run training, B-Ball on occasion (his 1st and only true sport love). He was the Master. Me....well *ahem* me, I sorta just ran lets say. Then I ran some more, and prayed my R hip and ITB would be presentable come race day. Oooops, I should say Challenge Day. That's what the event is, a challenge, not a race. I kept getting asked by my partner in crime, "did I do pull ups, am I going to do upper bod work?" I just sorta laughed it off.
I did do a couple of days (note only 2 days of strength work during the 4 months up to the challenge) here and there, and I did hit the pool for an incredible 500 meter workout. *cough-cough* Every time I was asked, I would just show him my guns. They were getting frickin large and in charge let me tell ya. My run training was awesome for my upper bod strength. :-)
So the event neared. My hub's ended up with a nasty foot injury about 4 wks prior to our event. I figured....no biggie. We can do it again when it comes to Vail Lake (our backyard more or less). Being the competitor that he is tho, we went...foot or no foot he was going to do this challenge. We sent back our paperwork (death waivers) via internet and we were ready to roll. All the hotels in Beatty, NV. were booked about 9 wks prior to the event. We ended up staying in Pahrump....God. That's all I will say....God please help me! Actually, there is a little winery there with a great restaurant. That was the only saving grace of Pahrump.
We were about an hr+ out from Beatty, so we got a very early start from Pahrump on Challenge day. Beatty NV., is a spit town. You spit...and you have driven thru Beatty.
I can honestly say, the British Special Ops (retired) put on one frickin great obstacle course. I won't go into great details...cuz my brain was going gang busters at mile 8, but my bod was not happy. Our course ended up being 11+miles. Let's just say, I'm recovering from bruises, ITB issues (thank you TM for that), abrasions (had bloody knees and elbows going on at mile 3), oh, and I have a nice large bruise at my L pec/breast due to the warp wall. Gotta love the warp wall, which if you don't make on the 1st try, you hit it full force on your chest. How do I know this? Well..............the very 1st still in this vid is the warp wall. This is the 2nd to the last obstacle out of approx 22-25 that they have on any given course.
Peeps ask me if I had fun? Usually when I go into any event, I don't plan on having "fun." It's work ie; mental, physicality, and just wanting to complete the course that is set out in front of you. Now after a week or more after the event I can actually say, "yes I had fun." I know, like whatcha talkin bout Willis? I had fun. I enjoyed the event's camaraderie. I liked the fact that you leave No Mudder Behind (yes, it's military mantra....and I grew to love it out there). I actually can enjoy how they messed with human physiology by dunking you in water, sometimes frickin ass frigid water (can we say Artic Enema boys and girls?), and then your bod sorta getting warm again, and then there ya have it...another fucking water obstacle to endure. I purely enjoyed the fact that I did it with my man. He is an incredible athlete, but more than that he is my guy, and I am so blessed. Plus, I wouldn't have been able to get out of some of the water obstacles or up the warp wall without his assist at the top. Ya know, my upper bod training was point on. Not sure what happened with that.
Bottom line. This is not a mud run. Yes, you have mud...sometimes more than you want on the course. It is so much more than that out there. It's TUF. When you complete it you are TUF with so much more after.
Thank you Tough Mudder for your fine course, your support on the course, and your charity that I am so proud to contribute to: http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/
I can officially call myself a Bad Ass Tougher Mudder!!!
