How to SAVE a life

Yeah, this is a goody my peeps.  Soooo hang on tight.  Oh, and if you get motion sick....there is a little button at the right hand corner with an "x" over it. 

I've always been a fan of the Fray since they came about...oh, a few years back at least.  The lead singer wrote a song, hence the title of this blog post, after a close friend of his committed suicide.  The song touches on doubts, what did he miss, if he would've known he definitely would have sat with his friend thru that nite and beyond.  Too many of us understand this pain.  Way more than we should in our life cycle.  I have lost two people whom I have loved deeply through this insult added to injury.

For those that aren't aware, I lost my father to suicide when I was just in my early 20's.  I just had my 2nd beautiful baby boy, and my dad who had his own demons, like so many of us, decided to call it quits.  Just like that....over and out.  To say I was shocked, mad, etc., an understatement to say the least.  Somehow my family....my bros (love you guys), and of course, my family...my 2 beautiful sons and my husband made it thru.  It took awhile, legal stuff, executor stuff, etc.  The neverending Stuffs it seemed.

I educated my kids on their grandfather.  I didn't hold back how I felt, how suicide devastates those that survive, and always, always the doubt that exists....that damn doubt.  Damn it!

Then almost a year to this date....my sweet, beautiful man-child Trent decided somehow he couldn't cope, and left us.   He did commit suicide.  He knew how, and how to do it, so his father and I wouldn't have to decide over an ICU bed whether or not to let him go.  I'm actually thankful that he did that for us.  That is all I'm thankful for in regards to his rash, senseless decision he made.

We will be getting the official OSI (=CSI for those non OSI peeps) report soon.  I heard the AF made some changes in Shaw thanks to Trent.  I hope so, for all of the up and coming Airmen.  Will I ever know why my son took such a drastic action at a baby's age just.....22 to end his life.  He was going to be almost 23 just shy of 5 weeks or so.  The report will be point blank, clinical..something I should be able to handle since I'm an RN, specifically specializing in trauma and ICU since graduating.  I dunno, I lost it when I found out certain specifics lately.  I dunno.......really?  How is a mom s'posed to ever handle something like this?  How is a mom (me), my sweet husband, his brother and sister ever going to understand what drove him to this finality?

It's funny in way, cuz I found out some things recently....my mind spins at people that he was with and surrounded by at the end, and knew what he was thinking.  It is the " you know what the fuck he was thinking" issue that has me thinking what the fuck people!!? How hard is it to get in touch with his CO, JAG, 1-800 SUICIDE hotline....like really???  WTF!?  and fucking shame on you!!!!    Shame, shame on you!!! 

Those of you who knew Trent, and were with him his last weeks and days....you know this, no one that loved him FOREVER and a DAY, had no fucking clue he was in trouble.  None...NADA, no DOPE!  I had no clue.  He lied to me about his going to a psych hospital in late March of 11'.  He told me he went into the hospital for pneumonia.  You can scan back thru my FB pages.  That's what I thought.  I believed him..damn it anyways.  His BFF, who is the sweetest girl ever.....had no fucking clue.  Yeah, he was not honest at all with the ones that knew him and loved him for years, maybe....just maybe, somehow those that were there could've helped him survive? 

From experience, I know that isn't always the case.  I won't play passive aggressive here, that isn't my MO.  Think about what you could've done, the Suicide # someone (like me...even tho I had no fucking clue what was wrong, but you were freaking out about my son)  told you to call pronto...on the Sunday before his death.  If you knew my son at all, he was a social animal.  He ended up living alone in a small dorm room......no bueno.  No bueno for him.  You should've known this.

I'm not throwing blame, but yeah, I fucking am.  I have taken the blame along with his dad, his sister and his brother for this last year.  I won't do that anymore.  Even if....that is the strongest most desperate "IF" of all time, I would've known anything about my boy...I was out here in CA.  1/2 a life time away from SC where he was at.  Time to look at yourselves......listen to this song from Fray.  Act on it next time around.  Yes, there will be another time in your life when someone you love and respect is in trouble. 

Go the xtra mile, and then some. 


You owe it to my son.