Do you know how much I miss you, ache for you and love you? I know..."oh mom!!" I can hear you say it just like if you were standing over my shoulder. You are I guess in a way here, just wish I could see you, touch you and watch your facial expressions is all.
It continues to be so hard at times T. You seem to be in my every thought. You're in music I listen to, TV shows, movies that I have seen, specially ones that you were all excited about months ago. Hard to believe it was March when you mentioned X-Men. Yeah, I still have that text. I haven't deleted any of your texts since late Feb, early March. What's even more Twilight Zone weird is that I received a "game over" acknowledgment from Words with Friends
We have lets get thru life days lately, then on other 1/2 days to full days sometimes the days pretty much turn into shit and we just slog thru it. It's been really hard Trent. It's really hard to explain at times. It's like breathing with limited oxygen or walking thru mud where every step is such work. Somedays, at times, it would feel just better not to feel at all. Just to hibernate like a bear, for months on end, then come out of the cave, have a big yawn, and be refreshed, be alive and not just trying to live or should I say....hang on by a thread. That to me would be my nirvana right now.
I went to see a counselor last nite. R'mber Dylan's mom? I know you do, cuz you gave your sister such shit after she came up to us in Costco way back in the day. Anyhow, she recommended this guy. He is ok. You would like him I believe. I need more than I can give myself T. A lot more. I just don't know how to cope at times, ya know? Unfortunately, I think you know exactly where I'm coming from with this. I hope to see him as I need him, which will more than likely be frequently for a bit. Whatever a bit turns out to be. I keep thinking, if only you would've given whatever therapy you started a fighting chance, but then again, you really never let me privy to that side of you, which was hurting so badly. I wish you would've baby. I so wish you would have.
I went for a double run today. Of course, you were in my head. When not, right? Anyhow, I gave myself the permission to "feel" whatever today. It was good. I ran thru a part of the Plateau that I noticed a few months back where they either had a controlled burn or maybe there was an actual unexplained fire. Anyways, even tho the trees that look burnt aren't really dead, the spring flowers are blooming every which way inbetween them. It gives me hope. It gives me hope.
chin up love. I always look forward to reading your posts. they make me sad yet happy at the very same moment. if you have people in your life that dont like your posts or are thinking you're a debbie downer, its obvious they haven't had such a tremendous loss in their life. I still think trents going to call me or text me. and it hurts so much. I try to think back of all the memories I had with him. when we dated wed always always go to barnes n noble. and wed have like a date night there. I miss how him n I could hang out and really do absolutely nothing and still have the best time. thinking of him and the memories I have of him put a smile on my face. the horrible thing about it is that, like you said, you can't see or touch or hear him. just keep your head up. its hard and I'm glad you're going to a counselor. it will be great for you. and will help you. how is the rest of the family doing?
ReplyDeleteThanks Morgan for your sweet comments.
ReplyDeleteIt's craziness at times ya know? My emotions on some days (more than others) are in a frickin blender, I never know what's going to combine w/the other. :-/
We are hanging in there. You keep on hanging in too, k? We all miss him, and want to frickin touch base w/him. Soooo, I guess this is my way to do that.
Thanks for reading my posts. Trent indeed has a special friend in you.
you are welcome my dear.
ReplyDeleteand yes I can imagine all the emotions running through your head. its understandable and fully acceptable. some days are harder than others but you just have to think about the future and try to keep your chin up. that's what trent would want. I guess I was fortunate to talk to him a bit a couple days prior to him leaving. I still have so many unansweeed questions but I hope that with the talk him and I had he realized what a good friend he was to me and that I cherished him for everything that hes said and done for me.
I love reading your posts. they are so real. and the lil stories tht you talk about w trent put a smile on my face as do the pictures. I love them. I get sad but also feel so blessed that he was even in my life at all. <3 I hope trent felt the same way about me as I did him. he was and always will be special. <3