WHATZUP???

Remember those crazy ass commercials a few yrs back where "WHATZUP" became the new buzz word.  Sure you do

Anyhow, my peeps keep asking me occasionally how I'm doing or more to the point, WHATZUP? Ummm, I sent my coach a note that stated I'm hanging in the bath tub 24/7, oh and I didn't mention the bottle of wine or wine rack next to me either. No, not really, but I should, if it wasn't so hard on my ass or my skin. The water that is, not so much the wine.

I keep going, sometimes I have no idea how or why, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Do I have any idea where I'm really going? No, not at all. Just forward is all I can think of, that is all. Forward. It's way too easy to get wrapped into yesterday. I know I do. I do, and it just is, but then I start moving/shuffling once again.

I've been running since Trent decided to leave us, but only for sanity reasons. Not so much to train, but then again, some days I really hit it hard and I feel it, and I shouldn't hit it so hard...but I do anyways. This week I've started training again for real. Chicago is right around the corner and if I don't get my shit together.....well.........

I almost contemplated stopping running altogether. I mean, really, like what is the point? Tho Mitch caught me doing this or contemplating it. He scolded me, held me, and he is right. Trent would not want me to stop. I should not want me to stop something that I need physically/mentally and competitively. Trent mentioned that he would try to come to Chicago to hang out and have a beer and pretzel maybe even a slice of pizza, whilst I ran the marathon. We both knew that he would more than likely be deployed. That's the time of yr he would always get deployed. Guess neither one of us has to worry about that now, eh?

Do I sound slightly bitter? Yep, I am. Tho, it has always worried me from the first day of knowing that I lost him, that I can become bitter, nasty, and just a different person, if I let this consume me and eat me up. I know and work with someone on occassion that lost her child, and at times I get glimpses of the loving person that she once was, now she is just a shell of that person. I grieve for her, always have, but more so now. I also realized from that day, I WILL not be like her. Life even tho with loss is so worth being present for, always! No this does not make me a better person than her, just more (hopefully) accepting of what it dishes out periodically. Lately it keeps on dishing and I really wish it would stop for awhile.

Will I be ok, thru all of this? Minute by minute, day by day, month by month will be the tell all. I hope so. I truly and really hope so.