Losing my faith......

I will admit straight off the line.....today has been one helluva day.  It started with me shredding misc. shit, and stumbling across Trent's letters home from Basic.  It was a fluke.  I was shredding old bank stuff, receipts, and there they were.  At first I wasn't sure what the notebook papers were that had been paper clipped together.  As I unfolded them, and recognized the writing....my heart stopped for a brief second.  I read the 1st page.  How he expressed his need to have more pics of home, us, the cats, and the life he left when he went to AF hell in Tx.  It was before he was hospitalized for pneumonia, he mentioned his ongoing cough, but more than anything else, he was reaching out for home.  Not uncommon for peeps that are going thru boot camp, but it pulled at my heart yet again.  He was homesick, but not so depressed at that time to call it quits.

I kept telling myself all day or a good chunk of the morn...."it's ok, deep breathe or just breathe."  I went out and ran some errands, bought some lipstick...that always seems to help slightly when I'm stressed.

I came home to get a call from my realtor and all the stresses of the last three months or so in regards to selling our house....pretty much bottomed out. 

It's not the house so much, but everything compounded.  I've been a "born again Christian" since I was 9yo.  I've been thru the whole judgemental crap, the guilt crap, and other crap that seems to be heaped upon you when you follow Christ.  I've dealt.  I pray, and had believed there have been reasons for my life path in the past and recently. 

 
I'm done.  I'm just done with the sadist crap.  What type of God could be so sadistic?  What type of God would sit back and watch his world and his children that he created hurt, hunger, and die for no reason?  It's funny how God has a double standard, or is it the people that created " this said God?"  It's all based on faith they say........well sorry to say I'm not Job nor do I ever intend to be Job or Jonah or any other revered person in the bible that was written by persons of account, but not by God or Christ himself.

Right now, it just is.  I might start to meditate or practice visualization, but praying to God........is over for me.  If I'm condemned to Hell then so be it.

 

Though I don't believe that to be so at all.