Letters....but you should know....

Heya Trent,

Not sure why I feel the need to blog you at 1:00 a.m., but here I am.  It's been a really ruf week so far, or a Trent kinda week as I like to call them.  A week where grief has hit big time yet again. I'm missing you and then some.

Something you should know or maybe somehow you know now that you are an angel of sorts.......I woke up close to midnite that day.   You were always on CA time it seems....I somehow knew that a.m.  I wasn't sure what,  but I knew.  Somehow I knew. 

I still don't understand why you haunt us.  Either by memories, dreams, self flagellation's....you are with us.  You are cruel at times, or maybe it's ourselves that are very cruel. 

Then again, r'mbring you, and especially how you felt inside me as you twittered and fluttered it is like a dream state.   As you became increasingly bigger, than what I could carry it seems.....pushing your feet against my back and causing some lovely pain indeed.  I grab hold of that feeling now, when I feel you, it seems so long ago at times, and so recent at the same time.  At times, I have to question whether my having you was real or not.

I craved Mexican food when I carried you.  It was crazy indeed.  I never liked hot stuff, but w/you....from about 5 mos+ all I wanted almost every day was Mexican cuisine.  Tho you know this, even when you were in your late teens you would ask me about my cravings and your birth.  Just a note, you are my only child to ask about your birth consistently.  I'm not sure what you were looking for, but the answers were always the same. 

You were a tuf delivery.  You know this.  You were at least 2 wks late, and after you were induced you climbed back up my ribs and wanted to stay the duration.  After 18+ hrs of labor, and me not dilating past 2 cm, you pretty much said...ENUF!  We were whisked away into the OR where you and I became emergent.  Oh, and by the way, my GYN was watching the NBA finals.....big time in the year you were born....by the way, in case you forget it was 88'.

I r'mber touching you for the 1st time....I have never in my life realized the depth of love I would feel for another being, ever.  You made me realize what unconditional love is, and will always be, and I am forever thankful for that. 

Part of me really wants to be mad at you.  It's part of the program more or less.  Tho, I'm not there yet.  I have to be honest tho, what you are putting your sis, dad, bro thru is ridiculous.  I can manage.  I went thru labor with you, and your life up til 22 (FYI just so you know you were 6 wks shy of 23) .  Oh, and another FYI--- sometimes without you I feel like I'm going insane.  Yeah, it just is.