Letters.........

Hey my boy,

I'm hurting lately.  I sooo miss you, but at times I won't let myself feel the "miss."  It is so fucking painful, but pure.  It's hard to explain at times, but I would rather be hard and and corrosive to myself than feel the "missing" part.

I dunno, well I do, but I keep putting off writing to you or talking to you at times.  It's a bitch and then some.  Tho it should be easy.  I could always talk with you, bout anything pretty much.  I guess my talking over the years just wasn't enuf, was it?  I r'mber giving you the "in your face" sex talk.  I dunno, you were about 16-17.  I pretty much told you and Cam that your dicks would fall off or explode if you weren't particular about where you put them.  You laughed, and you were sort of embarrassed, which I get, but you pretty much listened to your mom.  That thought makes me smile now.  You really have no clue as to what thoughts I conjure up about you to make me smile recently.  Then again, maybe you do.

I keep wondering if you have regrets.  Any?  Any at all?   Do you look down on your family and friends and realize the hole...the big fucking, giant, hole that you left in your decision of the moment?  Do you get it?  Do you really??  I can only hope that somewhere up there, you have a moment of remorse/regret whenever any one of us thinks of you and is totally saddened and disillusioned by our loss of you.  Because when I see you again, I will hug the living beeeejeeeezus out of you and then give you some lip that you have never heard from your mom before, and then some, and maybe some more.  Each day, each month, each year, it will add up my boy.  It will add up.  I won't ever hate you, I can't, but the decision you made will never sit well with me.  You know that.  I have a history of this prior, you just know...............and I don't care what reason you have or whys, how comes....I will not forget what you put me thru, your dad, your sister and your brother.   Oh, and you best know that I've got your friends backs also, so don't even try to weasel out of this one.  No way, no how.  You have some momma reckoning to do when I see you again.

Bottom line...you know.  I know, you know.  Same backatcha and then some.  ´♥`´♥`