Running Princess

Here I am......

2012-02-10T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'm 49 now as of 2/8. Yay or not. Dependent on your "tude" and how you think of age. I don't feel any older, really.....tho this last entire year I would like to take over and then some. I would like a "movie" redo and make it a "Dallas" dream segment. Tho, that isn't my karma or my future I guess.

I checked in on my Facebook page...yeah, yeah. Have your say, but WhatEV!! Anyhow, I was just checking on my iPad to see if I could gander at some of my peeps Timelines. It looks to me like some peeps haven't converted and FB (as they touted) are not making a big stink just yet. Either that, or FB is slow on the mojo with the "i" informatics.

Anyways, I caught peeps wishing a "happy B-Day" to a boy...who left us as a boy. "Her" boy, who was barely past a baby in her eyes, and possibly going on tweenhood on the other side.

I was training for triathlons at the time, and in nursing school (2nd semester, pediatric semester FYI), when I read of the tragedy of the family in the paper. My daughter went to Kindergarten with this boy. I had no reason to grieve, not really. I had a moment...in Costco...only a moment in time with his mom and him. My daughter was with me, I figure that is how "mom" recognized me.......she was sweet and kind, and said something to me, that I will never forget.....ever, ever...... "I love your daughter." "I want my ______ to marry your daughter." I smiled....sorta laughed, cuz they were all of 5, and went on my way. Two to three years later....he died in a horrific accident. I wasn't hit so much by the newspaper spread as it was, but when I biked by the memorial on a main highway....and stopped, and knew it was for him....I cried and cried. It took me months to get over thinking of him and grieving for him even tho I barely knew him or his family.

As it is, my Alex and this woman they reunited as teacher/student many years later. I connected with her after I lost my Trent. She is special, as her family.

She is important to me....she just is.

A shout out to her son. It is his day, as it always will be......HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

A New Start.....

2012-01-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

Hey-HO!

All I can say, is thank God the holidays are over!

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy them, tho this year for reasons my 2 blog readers know, is that it was different. Two important peeps missing in my realm. Trent and Doug--aka Duck. My heart, my heart to them both. Anyhooooooo......FUCK 2011...it's now 2012 and so far so good.

We moved about the 1st week of Dec. from our other home. Our home for a good long stretch.

Lots of memories in that old home of ours. It was our 2nd home, and Alex was only 5 when we moved in, in March of 98'. Trent was 10 and Cameron was 8. Yeah, my kids grew up in alot of ways in that house. We celebrated B-Days (mucho B-Days), holidays, graduations. There were sleepovers....and sleep deprived parent's every single time. A pool we put in when I started working in the ICU (nites at 1st, so I was mostly catatonic), additions of new furry creatures in our lives (no not rats or gophers, tho we did have a gopher in the backyard for a short while), we increased our backyard capacity for parties, put in a basketball hoop for Alex in her Freshman year. Lotso...lots of memories.

Unfortunately recent memories of what was home were not that great. Remembering the day we got the news about Trent....real, but yet surreal in a way. When the AF came to the door that afternoon, told us how he died, and they seemed pretty emotionless.........I'm thinking.....really?? After they left Mitch side kicked our front door. To this day and future days, I will forever see that mark in my head, at the middle of the front door and know what agony and grief that the indentation means. To the new owners, hey it is nada really, maybe just a flaw in the middle of the door is all. Also at times I would come around a corner and see Trent, on the couch, at the table, opening the fridge and lingering. Kind of a haunting of sorts, as it was.

They say...whomever "they" are, you should not make dramatic changes in the first year of death, divorce....and so on. Yeah, I do get that, I really do. At times tho, it just needs to be. It's how you deal with it or how I will deal with it this year and forward that will matter.

On a side note, the peeps who purchased our home....it's all good. We had a go of it to say the least these last 3-4months. Banks can suck let's just say. I kept sticking with these peeps, cuz they had kids, and were so interested in moving up here and wanting our home. I met them yesterday for the first time. I really like them. They are the family I wanted and want to live and purchase my home. They are gracious, young, and just starting out. First home and all. I will always have a connection with my "other" home and I wanted a young family to grow up in it and appreciate it. I want them to have a place that we had for greater than 10+ yrs. A place for sleepovers, grad parties, pool fun, and most of all a place where memories are made and forever remembered.

I will r'mber my last home as a special place. Where my kids grew up, and I grew up and flourished at the same time.

To-do mucky-muck......

2011-12-18T06:27:00.000-08:00

I might just have lost my mind. I'm up frickin ass early...ugh! Decided to let the cats into our office since I'm in here, not unusual, but we have our Christmas tree in here. My cats are retards when it comes to live or artificial trees. At least with a real tree they don't climb the branches and sit in them, like they should be part of the tree's decorations. Tho, now they are smelling it, mmmm goodness, and chewing on it, not so good. I might have pine barf on my new carpet due to this. :-(

Anyhoooo, lots of posts to catch up on in the next couple of weeks. Moving post, a revisit to my bucket list, etc., yep, yep, tho not this morn.

On my days off, since it is winter and a tad chilly in So. Ca., yes, that is right....a "tad" chilly in these here parts. I make use of my fireplace. A flick of a switch and I have a nice fire. Yeah, not quite the same as wood, but it will do in a pinch. Plus there is no prep of a dragging the wood in the house, clean up of wood pieces on the way to the fireplace, getting the right wood to paper ratio to start said fire, and no chance of embers popping out and creating oh so lovely little burned spots on my carpet. I'm very happy, no sooty, nasty clean up after either. Win-win!!

Sooooo, I'm lounging (on the carpet) in front of said fireplace, contemplating what is on my "to do" list today. Things sorta have piled up since Christmas is xactly a week away. I thought my brain was going to explode.

Anyhooooo, on this so called list is: and not in any sort of order

1) Get Christmas cards out. Yeah, I'm lame and still haven't done that. In truth, I wasn't going to do the card thing this year, but my other 1/2 wanted to...... Tho, in reality I didn't have Christmas cards until yesterday--- Doh!! Yes, you will get one. It might not be til New Years, but just know they are "in the mail" as they say.

2) Decorate the tree. Got the tree yesterday. It's beautiful and all. I was looking for a Charlie Brown special. This ain't it. Tho, if my cats keep screwing with it right now, it will be a Charlie Brown tree very soon indeed. Now my other 1/2 didn't want the tree this year (nothing real unusual there), but I did. Soooooo......tree is in the office. Not the greatest place for it, but at least we can close the cats out, which is p'bly smart since we know their history with our Christmas trees in the past.

3) Go out and scrounge up new decorations for said tree. Not sure how many "old" decorations I will use this year. Too many memories associated. Not sure, how I will tolerate seeing them. Guess we will know by tonite, eh?

4) Make a big mess out of my kitchen with my Alex and her Jacob. Gingerbread cookies to be had! Tis a Howard tradition doncha know? Actually the bigger mess comes with decorating these little guys, OY!

5) Got's to watch It's a Wonderful Life. Yeah, sappy, but it is the Christmas season for sure when I see this movie. It will make me cry (does every single time), and I can pretty much recite any line from any character in this movie. I dunno why I love it, but I do. I just have to have approx 4hrs to watch it is all.

I know there are p'bly a couple of loose ends, like running or maybe even a spin class to be had this morn. Oh, and trying to skim the Sunday paper......ya know, little things that make Sunday, Sunday. I'll figure it all out as the day unfolds. Hey, at least I got an early start of it.

KO, cats are driving me bonkers with the tree. More blog fodder to follow before the 1st of the year. Be prepared. It's a twister Auntie Em!!

Yeah, like that makes a helluva alot of sense, huh? ;-)

Losing my faith......

2011-11-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

I will admit straight off the line.....today has been one helluva day. It started with me shredding misc. shit, and stumbling across Trent's letters home from Basic. It was a fluke. I was shredding old bank stuff, receipts, and there they were. At first I wasn't sure what the notebook papers were that had been paper clipped together. As I unfolded them, and recognized the writing....my heart stopped for a brief second. I read the 1st page. How he expressed his need to have more pics of home, us, the cats, and the life he left when he went to AF hell in Tx. It was before he was hospitalized for pneumonia, he mentioned his ongoing cough, but more than anything else, he was reaching out for home. Not uncommon for peeps that are going thru boot camp, but it pulled at my heart yet again. He was homesick, but not so depressed at that time to call it quits.

I kept telling myself all day or a good chunk of the morn...."it's ok, deep breathe or just breathe." I went out and ran some errands, bought some lipstick...that always seems to help slightly when I'm stressed.

I came home to get a call from my realtor and all the stresses of the last three months or so in regards to selling our house....pretty much bottomed out.

It's not the house so much, but everything compounded. I've been a "born again Christian" since I was 9yo. I've been thru the whole judgemental crap, the guilt crap, and other crap that seems to be heaped upon you when you follow Christ. I've dealt. I pray, and had believed there have been reasons for my life path in the past and recently.

I'm done. I'm just done with the sadist crap. What type of God could be so sadistic? What type of God would sit back and watch his world and his children that he created hurt, hunger, and die for no reason? It's funny how God has a double standard, or is it the people that created " this said God?" It's all based on faith they say........well sorry to say I'm not Job nor do I ever intend to be Job or Jonah or any other revered person in the bible that was written by persons of account, but not by God or Christ himself.

Right now, it just is. I might start to meditate or practice visualization, but praying to God........is over for me. If I'm condemned to Hell then so be it.

Though I don't believe that to be so at all.

QOD--- TY Rocky Balboa

2011-11-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!

Downtime.....sigh

2011-11-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

Now don't get me wrong, I can deal with downtime just like any other athlete mind you. I'm just not that good at it let's just say.

For my one blog fan who may be out of the loop, usually after I or some other crazy fool goes out and trains then does a grueling event like say, a marathon, a triathlon that is a 1/2 or an Ironman....ya have to give yourself some time away from that sport to a certain extent afterwards. Ya know, a little recovery time is all, then you get back in the groove (slowly) of doing your sport that you sooooo love again. Hmmmm, unless you fought injury throughout your training, and are still fighting the said pain in the ass (literally) injury mind you. Then you are pretty much fucked.

I know, I know, be patient, blah! If you know me, that is not my bag baby. Anyhoooo, it doesn't matter what I do anymore. I can go to work, drive my car or ??, and my leg will give me issues. Damn thing! Sometimes I can run about 1/2 hr with no problems, then other times, I hit it and my muscles tighten up just enuf to cause knee pain. Yeah, lovely indeed.

So here I be. Getting crankier by the day. Not really lusting after my alternatives, like swimming (I do and have done, not a real fan for more than let's say 1000 meters= booooring!), biking...possible, surfing (love. Haven't been all summer...just doesn't feel right this year. Plus, it's kick ass cold in the water now), weights...(ugh!), crossfit I should def get back into, yoga (yep def a given, wish I didn't have to drive 40+ miles to a Bikram studio), and ?? maybe Zumba? Yeah, I hear that is a total kick.

I know, I know, just get out the door and kick it Howard!! Yep, yep. Tho I'm like anyone else, I want something I can't have right now. I want to do what I've been doing for years on/off and for the last 10yrs consistently, but I have to cross train now, like I did in triathlon, tho back off the running more than I want to. It just really sucks!!

Stay....away!

R'mber I'm gonna be a cranky bitch until this ugly leg issue resolves. Just saying........

Letters....but you should know....

2011-10-27T02:02:00.000-07:00

Heya Trent,

Not sure why I feel the need to blog you at 1:00 a.m., but here I am. It's been a really ruf week so far, or a Trent kinda week as I like to call them. A week where grief has hit big time yet again. I'm missing you and then some.

Something you should know or maybe somehow you know now that you are an angel of sorts.......I woke up close to midnite that day.   You were always on CA time it seems....I somehow knew that a.m. I wasn't sure what, but I knew. Somehow I knew.

I still don't understand why you haunt us. Either by memories, dreams, self flagellation's....you are with us. You are cruel at times, or maybe it's ourselves that are very cruel.

Then again, r'mbring you, and especially how you felt inside me as you twittered and fluttered it is like a dream state.   As you became increasingly bigger, than what I could carry it seems.....pushing your feet against my back and causing some lovely pain indeed. I grab hold of that feeling now, when I feel you, it seems so long ago at times, and so recent at the same time. At times, I have to question whether my having you was real or not.

I craved Mexican food when I carried you. It was crazy indeed. I never liked hot stuff, but w/you....from about 5 mos+ all I wanted almost every day was Mexican cuisine. Tho you know this, even when you were in your late teens you would ask me about my cravings and your birth. Just a note, you are my only child to ask about your birth consistently.  I'm not sure what you were looking for, but the answers were always the same.

You were a tuf delivery. You know this. You were at least 2 wks late, and after you were induced you climbed back up my ribs and wanted to stay the duration. After 18+ hrs of labor, and me not dilating past 2 cm, you pretty much said...ENUF! We were whisked away into the OR where you and I became emergent. Oh, and by the way, my GYN was watching the NBA finals.....big time in the year you were born....by the way, in case you forget it was 88'.

I r'mber touching you for the 1st time....I have never in my life realized the depth of love I would feel for another being, ever. You made me realize what unconditional love is, and will always be, and I am forever thankful for that.

Part of me really wants to be mad at you. It's part of the program more or less. Tho, I'm not there yet. I have to be honest tho, what you are putting your sis, dad, bro thru is ridiculous. I can manage. I went thru labor with you, and your life up til 22 (FYI just so you know you were 6 wks shy of 23) . Oh, and another FYI--- sometimes without you I feel like I'm going insane. Yeah, it just is.

and so I ran........

2011-10-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

Soooo, my 2 faithful blog fans, I promised the Creme' de la Creme' finale, so be it.

Where do I even start? Guess I should start at the Start, eh?

*cue Twilight Zone music*

Why? Cuz with marathons, ya never know what you are going to get It's true dat. You can train like a fool, be all that you can be, and then the wheels could totally fall off somewhere in the marathon game. On the flip side, you could not train as much as you need to, be sorta lackadaisical about it all, and do awesome in said marathon. Tho, I still can't grasp how that happens. I guess I'm to Type A to train or not train like that for 26.2 miles of fun. *cough-cough*

Anyhooo, considering my year and specially the mid chunk of this year.....my training was there, but I was out to lunch mentally at times. Let's just say I had good reason to be out to lunch. At the very least I was out there tearing up the dirt daily.

K, so back to my day in Chicago. Got dropped off by Ms. Tasha somewhat early, city was blanketed in predawn darkness, and very quiet and pretty I might add. Us runners for the most part, were still trying to wake up as we walked about. We stood in lines at the porta-potties, and just chatted it up periodically, finding our corrals for the pace we were running at, and waited some more.

Finally 7:30 rolled around, the marathon had officially started. I was a little worried about trying to get around, or even move in a running sea of 45,000 runners. Yes, that number is correct. The biggest marathon prior to Chicago that I had ran in, the number of runners in that race were 26,000 and some change. So, after I start this race, I do not want to stop, and retie my shoe laces, stretch, arrange whatever might be bugging me, pick up items that might be dropped, etc. This would equate into a fast and brutal trampling for sure.

Within the 1st mile of the start, we ran under our 1st overpass/bridge like structure and are pretty much headed into the heart of the City. For the first 8 miles or so we were doing loops thru downtown Chicago. The spectators/crowds were xcellent. They tried to stay out of our way, tho I do have a beef with a chick who decided to dart across the street in front of me and a few others shall we say. Not wise, since I almost smacked into her. Tho, for the most part the spectators behaved well.

My pace was ok for the 1st part of the race. In the 9's min/miles here and there, hitting 8's (where I really wanted to hang for the most part), all was looking good. Bout mile 8'ish or so, things started to rapidly change. Can we say, bilateral foot cramps and hot feet. Not good Sponge Bob, this was not good at mile 8. I'm thinking shit! How can I be cramping up? The weather is still mild, bout low 70's still, I'm in the shade of ginormous buildings thruout downtown....this is just not happening. Sooo, yes, it was happening. I was kicking myself all over the place for not bringing salt tabs with me. I had four Gu's stuffed in my sport's bra, but no salt tabs----damn! Damn! Right at the same time I was starting to cramp up, I noticed a major fluid shift.

My fingers were swelling up like a Chicago style sausages. Nice....k, so rearrangement of plans on the fly. I would take in more Gu as tolerated from my stock earlier than planned. Hopefully it would provide me the xtra sodium I needed before I became a bonafide cramp striken puffer fish. I start to ingest 2:1 Gatorade/Water at all aid stations and pray that my guts would not shut down, so that I could get said sodium into my muscles. Plan started working right away, whew!! I was going to be ok, as long as I could ration my gel out until mile 17 or 18 where the race would be handing out gels at those miles.

Did I say the plan was working? Yeah, it was, but then came another frickin monkey wrench thrown at me....and HIT!! Some other runner dude, who did a hit and run on me almost stopped my race at mile 9 or so. I was coming into another aid station, almost to a walking pace, and he plowed into me. He literally whacked me with his knee at my knee pit on my R leg that I have had issues with all season long. My knee torked one way and my body was still static. This was really not good. I had to hobble off onto the sidewalk, where there was sorta some room, and tried to walk it off at 1st, then stretch lightly. Nice going.....asshole!! Him not me. Tho, I was very good and didn't yell this. Hey, he was long gone as it was anyways. So I get back on the course, and pretty much hobble/walk for a bit. I'm not even sure if I will make it to mile 13, the 1/2 way point. I really and totally thought my race was done. Sooooo, I start talking to myself:

Self: C'mon, you can do this! You didn't come here to quit damn it!
Self: But it fucking hurts! Shut the hell up! Let's just find a very small corner of sidewalk and watch, yes?
Self: WTF

You get the gist of all this. So it went for about 3 miles or so. I made it to mile 13.1. I had managed a 1/2 marathon, and my time was still pretty damn respectable at this point. I start to cry a little, cuz of what was happening, cuz of Trent, just cuz.

Self: No! We don't have time to cry! Stop it! You can cry at the finish.
Self: What if we don't finish? We can't even run......
Self: Damn it! Pull up your Big Girl Panties! We are finishing this race even if we have to walk the entire next 13.1 miles.
Self: What? Walk? Are you frickin insane? No, not an option.

Soooooo, we ran, or gimped along I should say. What ended up happening is that I had to totally shorten and restructure my running stride. If I went into my normal stride, my knee would kill, and I knew and know that I DO not run well or can hardly continue to run, if my knee pain persists. Soooo I literally fucked up my stride, so I could still run without the pain. Now don't get me wrong, my IT-Band, hip and both feet were still whining like crack whores, but I could deal with them if I had to, and did thruout the rest of the marathon.

Onward, hey no choice in the matter, doncha know. I get to mile 15-16 and am actually feeling pretty darn good if I do say so. Well, good in the realm of everything still continuing that I mentioned above. I'm thinking....hmmmm, maybe we'll see if I can lengthen out my stride and get back into my normal running gait. Hahahahaha! I'm so funny! That was a def no go as soon as I changed my gimp grandma stride, so back to GGS for the duration of the race.

All I can say, is thankfully there were some distractions along the course.

They had a scenic course for the most part, we ran over bridges, traversed into China Town, Little Italy, and just running thru downtown was spectacular. My fave areas of the race were thru little neighborhood boroughs, that had small town charm, trees lining both sides of the streets, leaves falling, peeps handing out pretzels, orange slices to the us runners. It's just something I will always recall happening during the later of miles of the marathon that will make me smile.

By mile 20 we ran over one of the last bridges. It was a big ass bridge to say the least. Others were stopping to stretch out their hammies. I'm thinking...hmmm, not a bad idea. Don't get me wrong, I was stretching as best as I could without locking up my entire musculature 3-4x during every mile since I got whacked, but the hammies not so much. Let's just say I tried to throw my leg up, on a girder to get a little leverage....uh!! Helloooooo!! No way. I almost came away from trying to do this stretch with a side cramp that stretched up from my toes to my head. Nope, not happening. So, after this fun I had to be really careful in stretching now for the last 6 miles.

It was getting a little warmish to on the course. This and my stride did not do any favors to my skin. I had a giant rasberry, chafing, bleeding area L lat/armpit area. Thank god for Vaseline on the course. I will just say my delicate skin areas were close to what my L side was......very uncool indeed. My feet were swelling, toenails?? They are overrated. Who needs toenails I ask.

Long story, yeah, pretty dang long, I know. Long story short is that finally and I mean FINALLY the finish line appeared. I think I started to tear up 500 meters away. What's really funny, is that I'm sure most peeps thought I was crying because I had just finished my 1st marathon. Nope. So much more going on than that. So very much more.

I did it! Against some major odds and then some. I figure Chicago is part of my healing process, my moving forward process, my letting go and realizing that sometimes (more times than not) I can't control things that happen. It just is, and you have to put one foot in front of the other even if it is a grandma gimp stride. It just is.......

Eating my way thru Chicago...... Part Dos

2011-10-14T08:05:00.000-07:00

Sooooooo, as it were out there in Al Capone land. I ate pretty much everything. Now I definitely cut myself some slack, and kept reminding myself that I was in taper mode after all. I had to push calories for the upcoming marathon and what not. When I would forget to push cals, Ms. Tasha would so gently remind me to, "Frickin Eat Woman!" Eat!

OOooops, getting ahead of myself just a little bit. You are wondering, what transpired before all the eating of Chicago nibbles. Welp, I stayed with Tasha and her HRH=The Kone. Gee, where have you peeps been, if you don't know who the Kone is? Anyhow, Tasha lives in Chicago, not in the city itself per se, but the city. Yeah, well....it's Chicago after all. Let's just say Tasha runs a very tight ship where the Kone is concerned. He is very polite, let's you have the front seat of the small SUV she drives around, makes sure he does not step on your tender feets, that will be running said marathon in just days, and he makes sure you have a comfy place on the couch, and he will lay on the floor if need be. Yes, that is the Kone.

I have to admit, it took the Kone and I a tad bit of time to adjust to one another, but after that we were swell friends.

Ok, ok, I will get back to the eating part of this installment. Tho I would be remiss if I did not mention the Kone, cuz after all he was a big part of "the eating" process too. You see, he would get leftovers. Yes, yes, he loved all the leftovers.

My goal, other than running the marathon, sheesh! You guys...........what? You think I just went to Chicago for a little 26.2 mile run? I had to eat and shop for gawds sake. What kind of tourist would I be, if I didn't do that? First stop was Michigan Ave. Home of Nordy's, Bloomie's, mucho designer stores, and eats of course. After shopping for a bit. We headed to Pizza Dues. OMG!! True Chicago deep dish, and it was soooo yummy good, that I can't even begin to explain it to you.

It was a truly amazing piece of pizza. If you know anything about me at all, you know that I consider pizza it's own food group. Yes, that is how much I love pizza, and fabulous pizza is a real treat. This was a definite real treat. Top it off with Chicago Fannie May chocolates, and well, yep, go ahead make the piggy-piggy noises. You are just jealous is all. As you should be.

Later in the week, it was a must for me not only to have Chicago pizza, but to have a Chicago dog. We went to this spectacular place called SuperDawg's. I mean how can you go wrong with his and her wieners on top of your restaurant? Really? How can you? Holy crap this hot dog was really good! Do you see a theme here or what? Tasha ordered what was considered the "classic Chicago dog" for me. Oh, and for good measure we chased the dogs with a few fries, some onion chips and chocolate malts. Hey, you r'mber I'm chowing for the marathon. Don't even shake your head.

Last, but not least of Chicago eats was the Italian steak sandwich. It was huge, and yummy. I would say, it was sorta like a Philly cheese steak without the cheese, and a lot more steak than I have had in a Philly, out here in Ca., not in Philly. Pretty darn decent for a little eatery in Tasha's hood.

Now don't get me wrong. I ate plenty more things like, cherry pie topped with Costco vanilla ice cream (man that was good ice cream), had dinner out with Tasha and her mom. T's mom is such the cutie...loved meeting her. Ate Italian food a few times. Soooo much good food out there. I did not have one bad meal, which was a little surprising in a way.

All in all, if you ever visit Chicago make sure you eat, and then eat some more. Oh, and in case you are wondering how fat I really am now, well let's just say I lost weight. Yeah, surprised the hell outta me to.

Next up.....marathon hits, misses, and pain. Oh yay---not!!

Chicago, Chicago....part uno

2011-10-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

K, so I know that you all, well by all I mean my 2 blog readers/fans, et al. *ahem*. I know you all have been waiting with baited breath for an update. Oh and someone with baited breath just sounds really nasty, but that is just me.

Anyhoo, I've been in Chicago in case you had no clue. As you know I've been all ready to see this city, eat all the local delicacies and just soak up the atmosphere. First time visiting this city, so I have to do it justice and all.

Mitch was out with me til Tues of last week. We drove into the city to do the touristy thing together for a day. I also might add that we paid rather handsomely for parking, I think there should of been some sort of compensation other than being able to park our vehicle for the price we paid. Just saying........

We hung out basically on Michigan Ave. The north end is where all the great and I mean "great" shopping is to be found. We went south of Nordy's, took in some of the awesome architecture, and no I'm not talking of the new Trump Towers, so sorry Donald, NOT! Tho you can pick his building out very easily since it looks like every other Trump Tower Building I have seen, either in person or on the news. I guess that is what they call a signature of some sort.

Smack dab practically right across from the Wrigley Building (which is awesome in it's own right) was this somewhat tacky, and ginormous Marilyn Monroe statue. It was a replica of her Seven Year Itch still photo. It was amusing to say the least, and interesting to see how many peeps were all about getting their pic shot between Marilyn's legs...yeah, like I said interesting.

Anyhow, we walked on to Millenium Park enjoyed some amazing sculptures and art, like the big smooth aluminum bubble or actually it looked like a silver jelly belly if you ask me. It was cool I must admit. We walked way down south, hit up some of the fashion schools along the way, then detoured, had to stop in at Whole Foods doncha know? During the Whole Foods quest journey we crossed the river, don't even ask me which one...don't know, don't care, but it was cool. I figure all in all that day we p'bly easily walked about 7+ miles. Lucky for me or maybe not depending on your thinking, I was in taper mode for the marathon, so I just nixed my run and called it even.

As for eating, well let's just say I ate enuf to p'bly feed a small village in the last 8 days. Can we say, "here piggy, piggy?" Can we then yell "soo-ee!!" Very good indeed.

More on the food xtravaganza in my next issue.

Letters.....

2011-10-12T08:07:00.000-07:00

Heya Trent,

I know it's been a little bit since I've blogged you. It's not that I don't think about you daily either. Believe me, I wish that wasn't the case at times.

I'm on a plane right now headed back home. My Chicago tour is over.

During take off (the most dangerous part of any flight besides landing that is, my fave parts of flying FYI) I started to think of how if this plane totally derailed I would be able to see you again. Tho, at this juncture of time I'm not ready to hang it up. I can't say I've always felt like this since you left us 5 months ago, but luckily I have been strong enuf not to feed into that type of despair for more than a snippet of time.

I ran our race. Actually it was my race to begin with, but it soon became ours after you died. I know it was all me in the end, but during the 2-3hr training runs, runs where I could hardly breathe due to tears and just runs where motivation was lacking, there was always you in my head and heart. You kept me going even tho I wanted to throw in the towel way prior to setting foot on Illinois soil.

The race was a tuf one. It was the toughest marathon I've done so far. When I thought of bowing out you would pop into my head. I knew no matter what, I HAD TO FINISH this race. The race that I had started in my head before Jan 11', and the race I decided to continue and train for after May 4th of this yr. It just was and is. I know you were on the course with me from the beginning, the ugly-ugly middle miles and the end.

Thank you for hanging out with your mom on this journey of mine---ours.

One day I will be able to wrap my arms around you again.

Until then just be our angel from above.

It still is

2011-09-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

my year

I was looking thru some of my 1st of the year blog postings. This one still holds true even months later.

http://runningprincess-rp.blogspot.com/2011/01/yes-tis-my-year.html

I made a bucket list of things that I planned on accomplishing this year. Instead of New Year's resolutions, I decided to do a bucket list instead. I had bucketed Chicago ,

which I have been planning for the last 9mos or so, and I am doing by the way. Oh, in lets say 2.5+ weeks or so from now thank you very much. I have also become a firm believer in the saying, "Life happens when you are making other plans." It's too damn true not to believe after the year I have already lived through. I'm also slowly believing that somehow after this murky, ugly year, I will grow, I will become stronger. I will totally get and try never to forget just how precious life is, and how very fragile it is.

I will make this short and sweet my 2 readers. I will leave you with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. I think it may just be one of my all time favorites. She was an amazing woman Ms. Eleanor. She was definitely a progressive woman that is for sure.

I'm ok, like really??

2011-09-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

Why do we always feel the need to say, "I'm ok?"

Since Trent died, I get the question(s), "how are you?" That's it in a nutshell really. How do you reply to that as a mother who has recently lost her 1st born, her 1st son? Of course...duh! "I'm ok." That's it. Finished. Don't ask anymore frickin questions, DON'T! Most peeps are good about just receiving that info, cept for my friends. Thank you guys because you know when I'm not "just ok." Tho, I did have one person ask me how my son died when I 1st came back to work. Like really? Isn't it enuf that you know he died and I was honest about that, but now you want to ask the details of his death? I have to admit that was one time where I did give this peep the gory details. Then she went on and on about....someone else she knew, etc. I'm like WTF? I smiled, held my composure and wished her glass fragments in her eyes when I walked away. I kept breathing and saying to myself, "I'm ok" yeah...I'm ok........................................

Unfortunately recently I've hit the wall with my son's death. It's hard to move, hard to breathe, hard to keep on. My BF told me to listen to this song...unfortunately she knows me too well. It pretty much is me in a nutshell. Unfortunately, I am ok, but not. Tho that's ok, right?

tis been awhile

2011-09-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I've been out lets just say. Almost a month now. Strange happenings, and then some. I haven't really felt like blogging, tho at times I do, but then I don't want to be a Debbie Downer to my 2 readers. Tho tonite, I figure...who the hell cares?

It's my blog and if I'm gonna be a downer then so be it!! I don't plan on it mind you. It is a new month and all. Finally headed into Fall, which is awesome in my small little world.

It gets me that much more farther away from this summer. The summer I will and want to forget, but know will be forever tattoo'd on my heart...forever, and ever.

I'm still plan on running Chicago. Why? I dunno...tho at times I do know. It is for me, part, and then a greater part is for Trent. I plan on having a shirt done with a transfer of: For Trent (on the front), Indeed! (on the back). Some of you will understand, and some of you won't....no worries. It's for me and Trent and that is all.

Is my training all that and a bag of potato chips? Noooo, not quite. I have a very long ass run tomorrow. P'bly my last long run before Chicago. I have not properly eaten or hydrated today for this run. Another words, it will p'bly be very ugly indeed. Tho, I will go out and put one foot in front of the other, and do it. Yes, it will be hard. I will cuss at times, walk at times, stretch out my irritatingly, beautiful R ITB, sweat alot and maybe cry a little...but I will do my run knowing that Trent is pushing me on, and is my strength when I feel I can't go on. He drives me to accomplish this race, that once was so important to me. I wanted to qualify for Boston again, and possibly knock out NYC as well. Tho since May 4th, this has had no importance--qualifying that is, and even doing the race, which had been my brass ring earlier this year. Right now, and in the next 5 weeks it will be important just for me to be on that starting line, and nothing else. It just matters that I start Chicago. It matters to me, for me of course, but I'm doing this for Trent. I know he would want me to not give up on Chicago, so I will start, and I plan on finishing for both of us.

My tickets are in hand. I'm ready to travel come Oct., and hope to run a decent race.

More than that I will be running for Trent.

Letters.........

2011-08-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

Hey my boy,

I'm hurting lately. I sooo miss you, but at times I won't let myself feel the "miss." It is so fucking painful, but pure. It's hard to explain at times, but I would rather be hard and and corrosive to myself than feel the "missing" part.

I dunno, well I do, but I keep putting off writing to you or talking to you at times. It's a bitch and then some. Tho it should be easy. I could always talk with you, bout anything pretty much. I guess my talking over the years just wasn't enuf, was it? I r'mber giving you the "in your face" sex talk. I dunno, you were about 16-17. I pretty much told you and Cam that your dicks would fall off or explode if you weren't particular about where you put them. You laughed, and you were sort of embarrassed, which I get, but you pretty much listened to your mom. That thought makes me smile now. You really have no clue as to what thoughts I conjure up about you to make me smile recently. Then again, maybe you do.

I keep wondering if you have regrets. Any? Any at all? Do you look down on your family and friends and realize the hole...the big fucking, giant, hole that you left in your decision of the moment? Do you get it? Do you really?? I can only hope that somewhere up there, you have a moment of remorse/regret whenever any one of us thinks of you and is totally saddened and disillusioned by our loss of you. Because when I see you again, I will hug the living beeeejeeeezus out of you and then give you some lip that you have never heard from your mom before, and then some, and maybe some more. Each day, each month, each year, it will add up my boy. It will add up. I won't ever hate you, I can't, but the decision you made will never sit well with me. You know that. I have a history of this prior, you just know...............and I don't care what reason you have or whys, how comes....I will not forget what you put me thru, your dad, your sister and your brother. Oh, and you best know that I've got your friends backs also, so don't even try to weasel out of this one. No way, no how. You have some momma reckoning to do when I see you again.

Bottom line...you know. I know, you know. Same backatcha and then some. ´♥`´♥`

Yep, Yep........

2011-08-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm still here my 2 fans/blog readers, et al. It's been a long summer, and summer ain't even close to over in these parts of So. Ca. You just know I'm not talking about summer heat either in my desert neck of the woods. It's August and already I'm looking forward to fall. More like Oct/Nov., plus some.

I keep training for Chicago.

Tho at this point, or way before this point, I knew that I would not be running Chicago to qualify "again" for Boston or even hope to qualify for NYC. I will be running Chicago just to run it. To pay Tribute to my son-- Trent

(miss you so much babe), and when I finish the damn thing I finish. I don't care about time anymore. I've had major issues with my ITB and continue to have issues. This morning I woke up with a knot in my ass and hobbling around due to my knot and ITB issues, then I practically broke my toe, so yeah.....all things considered........I'm thinking of taking the race venue in, have fun, talk with peeps along the way, give high-5's, and maybe have a slice of Chicago pizza and maybe a beer or two out on the course. Why the hell not at this point in time? This race is something much more than a Qualifier for me. It just is since May 4th.....it just is.

Oh, and better yet I get to meet up with my good friend Tasha and her sweet, sweet (yes Tasha?) Dobie- The Koneman or dog as he is. I plan on both of them or at least one of them, taking me on sight seeing expeditions, local donut haunts, etc., since I have never been to the Windy City before...ever in my 48yrs. Yeah, long ass time I know.

Soooooo, yes I'm training my peeps, I am.

I am officially back at "the office." No more LOA for this girl. LOA is not good Sponge Bob...least in my book. I'm considering new avenues of interests....because life is ever evolving and has smacked me upside the head.....a few times since May 4th, and then again lately just as a friendly reminder that you need to find your niche, do what you love, and love what you are doing. Plain and simple......

Bottom line: Life is too short, way too sweet at times---tho the sweetness can sour, but before the sour you need to realize just how fuckingly sweet life is....even tho you are stressed, and are planning for the future. Life always happens when you are looking ahead. Take my advice----- enjoy today, the moments, the texts, the conversations........cuz you/we/I have no clue what is next.

Really? Like WTF?

2011-07-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

Life has been a very strange bedfellow lately. In fact, I'm ready to kick this bedfellow out of my bed at times.

Let's just say.....I've had enuf life changing events lately and leave it at that. No more. Not going to happen. You hear what I'm saying up there or what? Yeah, you best hear me and listen up. I would call you names, but I've been there and done that so many times in the last few months...I dunno what to call you anymore, but don't test me, cuz I know I can think of a few more if I have to.

Unfortunately, my 2nd Dad passed away while we were in paradise no less. Trying to heal from one tragedy, and then another one steps on it's heels. I don't call Doug my Step Dad, which he was, but basically he was my 2nd Dad from about age 16-17 til July 8th. You (Doug) have no idea how much you impacted our lives (my brothers and my mom). I am so grateful to have known you, to have loved you and to have called you my Dad for all of these years. Please, play your golf on your golf course up there that sits alongside Trent's beach. Have a margi or two with your grandson, and know that I miss you both daily, and love you both.

K, as far as I'm concerned enuf drama/trauma in my life...ENUF!!

After getting back from Maui, then making a road trip to UT. Mitch and I decided to partake in the Alien Jerky Store. This lovely shop is located in the wonderful, nuanced city of Baker (it has the world's largest outdoor thermometer doncha know?)...p'bly bout an hr outside of Vegas headed towards home on the I-15. I have made plenty of trips to Vegas over the years, and had yet to stop at the Alien Store...so cool, and very excited I was. Tho I will have you know I did the Alien or ET marathon a few yrs back that routes thru Area 51...just saying is all. Anyhooo, the Alien Shop was hysterical to say the least. They have hot sauces with names like "Colon Cleanser", "Smack Betty's Ass" or something to that nature, "See Dick Smoke", See "Jane" do something or other, and Spot...who r'mbers about Spot I ask? Oh, and they also have Alien Jerky---hence the name. Jerky like "Abducted Cow Jerky", etc. I really think it is Alien Ass Jerky or perhaps human jerky....you know, sorta like "To Serve Man" of the Twilight Zone series.

Anyhoooo, great fun was had for about 20 minutes or so. Next time I travel towards Vegas we will stop at the Mad Greek's Cafe.
Can't wait!!

Maui, here the hell I come baby!!

2011-07-07T17:56:00.000-07:00

Yeppers, tomorrow we are Maui bound. I can't wait! It's not so much the islands or the island I should say, it is just a needed RNR and respite from shit that has been occurring in my life since May 4th that started uncontrolled, and is sorta manageable, but then again...emotions can control alot of shit in my life it seems. At least in my own head and body. I really hope to release the demons in my head that plague me in regards to my precious boy, and rest.

As some of you know the beach is my Xanax, it just is my Nirvana and then some. Not sure why, but it has been that way since I was a teen. It's funny, cuz when I would go to the beach as a teen I would slather on the baby oil or some low spf sunscreen and cook myself to a ripe mango lets just say. I mean red mango...like over-ripe mango. Being somewhat fair-skinned and all, it p'bly wasn't the smartest maneuver, but again I was a teenager. When are teens very smart in the grand scheme of things? No don't even answer that one.

Tho later in life, say late teens/early 20's (and now) I would always drive to the beach when I was stressed and it never failed to help calm me. Now I'm asking this maven

to heal me as well. There is something very special about the Hawaiian Islands. Don't ask me what, cuz I can't place it. Yes, it is tropical. Yes, the water there is a bluish-green clarity of color that is hard to describe, at times almost iridescent. Yes, it just is...awesome, beautiful, and calm even with tourists...it is calm.

It just is, and that is all I need for right now.

Tis finally July, and??

2011-07-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm finally posting again, yay!! May and June are finally behind me, yay!! I'm hanging in there (sorta on/off), yay!! I'm going back to work tomorrow....not too sure bout the yay factor just yet. Will leave that for a future post.

Summer has arrived full force. Trent's B-day (aka 1st day of summer) was pretty mild around here. Tho by the end of June things were starting to heat up nicely.

Tho I'm not a heat type of person. You know, 85 degrees is about my heat index limit. I do live in the hi-desert region of So Ca. or W. Riverside County shall we say. I guess they consider this hi-desert around these parts. It's been pretty cooking here....lets just say 95+ for the last 5-4days or so. Ick!, and then some. Like I said, not a heat type of person at all.

I've been fighting off a repetitive running injury which adds to all of my pleasure lately. My ITB is acting up again, this time in a major pain in the ass way...literally, and literally causing parts of my R leg to go numb from time to time.

Nice, not!! I decided, nuf is enuf and sought out a local ART practitioner. She is actually very awesome indeed. I was a little leery cuz most of the ART peeps are chiropractors, and I don't have alot of faith in most of them. I got an eval from one of them a long time ago. Lets just say, he suggested orthotics ("his" mind you, and I have a neutral gait and no hip/leg length discrepancies), and "his" vitamins, that were/are s'posedly better than any other vits/minerals you could buy local retail or online. Yep, see ya fella. I swallowed the bullet and decided I needed ART, her website was the best, and she is new to her craft, but very skilled. Not once in 4 visits has she mentioned orthotics or vitamins. Yay!! I know my leg is getting better, but it seems to be a slow process indeed. At this point Chicago is still on the calendar, but maybe just finishing in a decent time might be doable. I hope to do better than my current expectations that is for sure, but I'm keeping things honest right now.

Other things are sorta coming together, but then grief will hit me blindside again, and then again, and it takes me a bit to right myself all over again. I guess that is normal, eh? I've never been thru this with a child, so I understand the 4-5 deals with grief; lets see there is, Denial/Isolation, Anger (which I have still yet to be really pissy with Trent), Bargaining (oh yeah, been there done that and repeated), Depression (like no shit Sherlock), Acceptance. Anyhow, I think I p'bly have a long road to go, cuz I know I've been thru things, but not all the way, of that I'm sure.

Another words, I have no idea how I will cope at work tomorrow. Wish me luck, and even tho God does have a frickin ass bizarre sense of humor lately and then some, say a prayer or two for me. I figure it can't hurt, and hopefully help, yes?

"Happy Birthday Baby!! ........

2011-06-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

Got you on my mind, yeah!!"

Heya Trent---Happy B-Day dude! I love you!!

What can I say? I miss you, wish you were here...yada-yada-yada? Yep, pretty much. Today is about celebrating you on what would've been your 23rd Bday Trent. Nothing more, nothing less. It just is for me. You will always be my baby, even if you aren't here physically anymore. You are here sweet boy, you are. ♥

Last nite, the nite before, etc., I have been thinking about your birth, and when you were a baby and just a little tyke. It's sorta weird, cuz when you first left us, I for one, grieved more for the teen, the young man that decided things weren't quite right....and just up and left. I didn't connect for some reason with the young Trent as much. Tho, a couple of days ago, I was looking at some new pics (old actually) we hung of you. Some of them were when you were younger than 5 and I think the oldest one is maybe you are 7-9ish? Anyhow, it brought tears to my eyes as I was stretching out after my run. You were an innocent then, squirrely---hell yes! But none the less an innocent and so was I because I thought I had my entire life getting to know you and watching you create your own way.

Anyways, back to your birth and such. You always have loved to hear the stories about me having you, or let's put it factually shall we? You actually did not want to make your presence known. You were 2wks+ late, I was induced, then after you had "dropped" you made it a point to climb my ribs and go back up into safer territory during labor. Nice. This was you in a nutshell. Yes, yes it was. The clincher was, you went into fetal distress after 12-16hrs of torturous labor, and weren't coming out anyhow, so emergent C-Section time was in order. I will have you know, the pain I've been going thru for the last 6wks is worse than any labor pain I endured with you or the para-cervical block they gave me. I would have that pain again and again, if only.........................

You were born on 6/21/88 at 7:09 p.m. and weighed in at 7lbs, 9oz. I know, cue the Twilight Zone music once again. I have to admit, I had a rough time of it. I r'mber seeing your dad hold you and the joy in his eyes. That's pretty much all I saw since he was in surgical scrubs more or less and masked. I pretty much asked the nurses if they could keep you in the nursery most of the nite. I was exhausted, nauseated and very sore.

They brought me to you the next morning. Once I held you and made sure (by counting) that you had all your fingers and toes....I so fell in love with you. I never realized I could love another human being as much as I loved and felt emotion for this little tiny being (you) I was holding. Nothing will compare to that first experience of loving one of my children. I just can't even begin to explain it Trent. It is and will continue to be an emotion I will never have with anyone other than my kids.

There are always more stories, but always, always know that I will forever love you and hold you dear.

Have fun on your beach today. Lot's of your friends and family will be toasting you today. Raise your beer with us. We will see you again one day. xo

Letters.....

2011-06-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

Hi my dear boy,

How's your beach these days dude??

Do you know how much I miss you, ache for you and love you? I know..."oh mom!!" I can hear you say it just like if you were standing over my shoulder. You are I guess in a way here, just wish I could see you, touch you and watch your facial expressions is all.

I've been debating whether or not to keep posting these "letters" to you on your wall or not. I figure fuck the peeps who don't understand at this point or feel that I'm morbid in some way. Fuck em all. Really....I wasn't made to make everyone happy, so I need to let that part of me go for a bit, and just love you, and write to you. Even if it makes others squirm. If I lose FB friends, then I figure they aren't worth keeping anyways. Guess what you guys....get the fuck over it!! I know you are just grinning from ear to ear over this T. I just do.

It continues to be so hard at times T. You seem to be in my every thought. You're in music I listen to, TV shows, movies that I have seen, specially ones that you were all excited about months ago. Hard to believe it was March when you mentioned X-Men. Yeah, I still have that text. I haven't deleted any of your texts since late Feb, early March. What's even more Twilight Zone weird is that I received a "game over" acknowledgment from Words with Friends

that we used to play on our iPhones. It was right about the time we got back from SC. For a slight moment, I thought it was you. I know....I'm so lame. Yep, got it. Thank you for making that abundantly clear.

We have lets get thru life days lately, then on other 1/2 days to full days sometimes the days pretty much turn into shit and we just slog thru it. It's been really hard Trent. It's really hard to explain at times. It's like breathing with limited oxygen or walking thru mud where every step is such work. Somedays, at times, it would feel just better not to feel at all. Just to hibernate like a bear, for months on end, then come out of the cave, have a big yawn, and be refreshed, be alive and not just trying to live or should I say....hang on by a thread. That to me would be my nirvana right now.

I went to see a counselor last nite. R'mber Dylan's mom? I know you do, cuz you gave your sister such shit after she came up to us in Costco way back in the day. Anyhow, she recommended this guy. He is ok. You would like him I believe. I need more than I can give myself T. A lot more. I just don't know how to cope at times, ya know? Unfortunately, I think you know exactly where I'm coming from with this. I hope to see him as I need him, which will more than likely be frequently for a bit. Whatever a bit turns out to be. I keep thinking, if only you would've given whatever therapy you started a fighting chance, but then again, you really never let me privy to that side of you, which was hurting so badly. I wish you would've baby. I so wish you would have.

I went for a double run today. Of course, you were in my head. When not, right? Anyhow, I gave myself the permission to "feel" whatever today. It was good. I ran thru a part of the Plateau that I noticed a few months back where they either had a controlled burn or maybe there was an actual unexplained fire. Anyways, even tho the trees that look burnt aren't really dead, the spring flowers are blooming every which way inbetween them. It gives me hope.

It gives me hope.

WHATZUP???

2011-06-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

Remember those crazy ass commercials a few yrs back where "WHATZUP" became the new buzz word. Sure you do

Anyhow, my peeps keep asking me occasionally how I'm doing or more to the point, WHATZUP? Ummm, I sent my coach a note that stated I'm hanging in the bath tub 24/7, oh and I didn't mention the bottle of wine or wine rack next to me either. No, not really, but I should, if it wasn't so hard on my ass or my skin. The water that is, not so much the wine.

I keep going, sometimes I have no idea how or why, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Do I have any idea where I'm really going? No, not at all. Just forward is all I can think of, that is all. Forward. It's way too easy to get wrapped into yesterday. I know I do. I do, and it just is, but then I start moving/shuffling once again.

I've been running since Trent decided to leave us, but only for sanity reasons. Not so much to train, but then again, some days I really hit it hard and I feel it, and I shouldn't hit it so hard...but I do anyways. This week I've started training again for real. Chicago is right around the corner and if I don't get my shit together.....well.........

I almost contemplated stopping running altogether. I mean, really, like what is the point? Tho Mitch caught me doing this or contemplating it. He scolded me, held me, and he is right. Trent would not want me to stop. I should not want me to stop something that I need physically/mentally and competitively. Trent mentioned that he would try to come to Chicago to hang out and have a beer and pretzel maybe even a slice of pizza, whilst I ran the marathon. We both knew that he would more than likely be deployed. That's the time of yr he would always get deployed. Guess neither one of us has to worry about that now, eh?

Do I sound slightly bitter? Yep, I am. Tho, it has always worried me from the first day of knowing that I lost him, that I can become bitter, nasty, and just a different person, if I let this consume me and eat me up. I know and work with someone on occassion that lost her child, and at times I get glimpses of the loving person that she once was, now she is just a shell of that person. I grieve for her, always have, but more so now. I also realized from that day, I WILL not be like her. Life even tho with loss is so worth being present for, always! No this does not make me a better person than her, just more (hopefully) accepting of what it dishes out periodically. Lately it keeps on dishing and I really wish it would stop for awhile.

Will I be ok, thru all of this? Minute by minute, day by day, month by month will be the tell all. I hope so. I truly and really hope so.

Ahhhh...home :-)

2011-06-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

I just cruised thru a couple of my homeys blogs. Yeah, they are my peeps, my heart, etc. Not all, but some very important blogs are my heart and they know who they are ie; Bri, Tasha, Todd, Jen. Love you guys and then some. Thank you for being my back...when I feel like I have no spine lately.

I've been sorta off the grid since my Tat post. Yes, I got the tat and a nose piercing.

Like I told my husband, "it just is." Nothing more, nothing less. Tho the Tat has meaning to me, more so now, than before May 4th, but then if you read my last post you will figure it out. The nose piercing...I always thought cool, but I know T would've given kudos, so fuck those who don't like it and if you like it...thanks.

We just got back from a road trip to UT. to visit my parents. Let's just say, it was, and I should've been more honest with my feelings, but strong stock, begets from stronger stock, so I will leave it there.

We visited Mt. Zion...awesomeness in Godliness and then some. I don't like heights, but we traversed Angel's Landing, which would have most mortal souls begging for mercy on the ascent and descent.

Angel's Landing

After we were gently escorted out of UT., by Mormons no less (just teeezin) we entered into Sin City. Cam and I walked the strip, drank, talked, shopped, and bonded. Love you Cam! Then we went to Strip Steak at Mandalay Bay. OMG!! Best 5-Star restaurant I have been to so far. A little above Craft Steak, but marginally. That was the 5-Star of our trip. It truly was.

Sometimes it is just really nice to come home, ya know? Glad I'm back on solid ground more or less. Now to start training for real-zees again.

one foot in front of the other

2011-05-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

Yeppers....it's been a royal blast these last few wks. Hey, I've made it this far...just one foot in front of the other at times, ya know? Thankfully I have a wonderful support cast that gets me thru things, when it doesn't seem like I will get there. You know who you are and my heart is very full of love for you guys.

Anyhoooo, as you know on my bucket list for this year I want to get ink done. Where you might ask? My foot.

Now I must admit...training is just a little off this past month. Right now, I'm just out there running to keep my sanity from slipping. I've lost a great deal of weight (for me) on the Trent diet plan, and my sleeping isn't that great either. With that said, I'm p'bly running fairly slow to say the least. I was threatened by a few nursing friends that they would either stick an NG tube down my nose to my stomach or wisk me to IR and have a G-tube placed. Lovely thought guys. What are friends for, right?

Back to the foot. This is what I want.

Add some cherry blossoms, etc. and it should be the bomb. I know, I p'bly won't be able to run for a few days. Maybe this will get me doing weights again, cuz I p'bly need just a little strength training for my Olive Oyl bod here.

Nothing is for sure just yet. Still have to talk with an artist and figure out just how much down time I will have to endure. Not real good about downtime from running let's just say.

It's time for renewal and a new journey thru life for me. What better way to bring it on is what I say. :-)

On Another Note.....

2011-05-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

I'm still gearing for Chicago....whooohoooo!! Something to sweat over and focus on thru this emotional chaotic time in my life.

I'm starting to think of a playlist just for Chicago. Here is one of the songs I'm definitely having on my ipod.

Letters......

2011-05-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

Heya Trent,

How's it going up in Heaven? I'm sure you are basking in the warm beach sun right now...forever...ever.

I woke up at 1:00 a.m. thinking of you, yet again. I've always been somewhat of an insomniac...well guess what? It's triggered it's ugly head again. Huh? Wonder why, eh?

I sure do miss you, ya know? I miss all that you were and my strongest dreams for you and your life as you would continue to grow into an awesome man.

We all miss you in different ways around here.

I miss not being able to touch base after watching Game of Thrones, and getting scolded by you for not knowing the characters by names just yet. Hey, hey! You read the books about x3 or more, so you should know all the characters dude.

I miss texting you bout life, work, etc. Even if it was little piddly ass things...it was still nice to connect with you since you were stationed clear across country. I miss the fact that I won't see you, hug you, rumple your stubby head, see your beautiful smile and hear your laugh. I'll miss the fact that you won't give me shit about whatever anymore. You were always very good at doing that- giving me shit about "whatever."

I keep thinking if only I knew it was going to be your last visit this last Feb.,...the last time to hold you, talk with you, give you crap......what could I have done differently? Short answer is nothing really. We spent time, you got your fill of xBox, PS3 and whatever other gaming device you could get your hands on. You hung out with your bro, gave your sister some grief, and met up with a few old friends. You ate all of my food and then some. You also drank a case or more of diet coke, nice. I dunno, would it had made a difference to keep you home, try to make sure you were safe? It's always difficult to watch over someone when they are their own worst enemy.

I have to laugh right now, cuz you are frustrating the hell outta me still. You were always on/off frustrating to raise. I remember reading a Tony Robbins' book and he mentioned that frustration is one of the keys to almost being there, accomplishing your goal. I can only hope someday soon I will discover what the end accomplishment or goal is to my high level of frustration over your death.

I do declare, by gawd....it's the south!

2011-05-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

Back from our whirlwind trip to Shaw, AFB in good ol' SC. We actually ended up spending an xtra nite in SC (lucky us) due to unforseen storms in Houston that grounded the entire airport.

Now don't get me wrong...SC is ummm, is interesting to say the least. Tho if you want to go buy milk say after 8:00 p.m. you might be screwed. It seems that 90% of SC closes their doors very early. I guess it is mandatory that you get off the streets and inbetween the sheets at a respectable hour. When we arrived at Columbia airport it was very Zombie movie like.....the entire airport inside was closed. Nada open. I guess we were lucky that they didn't lock the bathrooms. DOH!! Lord help you if you are hungry or need that jolt of caffeine before hitting the road.

I knew the humidity would be a big factor...I hate humidity. I will only suffer with a smile if it is tropical and I'm on one of the Hawaiin Islands lets just say. When we left the airport....whooosh!! Damn! Talk about oppressive humidity, and from what I was told...it gets worse. Not my bag baby, not my bag.

I do have to admit tho, everyone on base that we came into contact with was the real deal. They weren't just robotic military peeps...they were real, authentic people. Trent's entire Unit from the CO on down the line were just so there for all of us. All we had to do was twitch a little bit and they were there. I do have to give props to Master Sargeant Smith (our shadow) who was pretty much with us our entire stay. I have to say, you get to know people pretty well when you spend as much time as we did with him and Sargeant(?) Ester. I hope to stay in contact with alot of these great men/women even after the dust settles without too much flair up from this crazy, ass nitemare.

Even due to the circumstances that surrounded our trip, I knew from the onset I would try to flip this to a positive as much as I could. I wanted to get some local flavor.
Well, we are talking SC...I know. Just wanted to see some of SC. Chances are I will never be back there again. You see, it isn't one of those destinations on my bucket list.

On Thurs. we left Shaw, AFB and headed down the road a bit towards Folly Beach and Charleston. Our smart phones GPS did not care too much for SC, or maybe SC just isn't on GPS...not sure.

We finally got on the right path or at least on the right highway towards Charleston. All I can say, is not much traffic. Like...ummm, it's 8:30 in the a.m. do peeps not work around here? I guess I'm just used to alot more traffic and road rage. Even when we got to the outskirts of Charleston traffic was not anything major by my standards. Like WTH?

As you all know I love, love, the beach. I've blogged about my passion for the beach before. Trent had an affinity with the beach too. I didn't realize he loved it maybe as much or more than I do. Long story short, we headed straight to Folly Beach. This is where we wanted to lay Trent to rest. Shhhhh! Not sure if that was kosher with the locals....but dust to dust and all that.
Hey, we were Green, so don't even go there.

The day was overcast (thankfully, cuz I didn't realize how warm it could get til later when the sun made an appearance), but nice. Cool beach, little sand dunes, white sand stretching out in both directions, and actual waves. By god, there were waves! For some strange reason this West Coast girl didn't think there were decent wave sets in the Atlantic. This was good. This is where we needed to be for us and for Trent.

After saying good-bye to Trent (yeah, well I don't think I will ever really say good-bye) we headed off to downtown Charleston. I'm thinking Tara...you know Gone With The Wind Tara?

I will tell ya, Charleston did not let me down in my expectations. Older than crap, but a southern beauty to match. Jasmine was growing everywhere, flower boxes on window sills...very quaint, very civil war era.

We didn't have all that much time to take in more history of this old, southern city. Unfortunately we had to head towards the airport. Tho, we were all ready to hit So Cal soil. Yeppers, we were.

Welp, lets just say our trip was extended slightly. We get to Columbia airport and find out that Houston has shut down their airport, period. I guess there was some major storm raging thru that area. We sat for about 2+hrs in the airport. They finally boarded us on this little prop plane...helloooo!! I'm like thinking double xanax and pass the alcohol please! Anyways, long story short is we didn't get off the tarmac. Then, after we get off this little tin can plane, we again sit/wait/sit/stand in attempts to try and book a flight out in the a.m. I'm like, "ok Trent, here's the dealio....we are going home. We are not hanging out with you dude. Get over it already."

Did I say this was long story, short? Hmmm....... we book at a Holiday Inn, s'posedly the airport considered $79 a pop per room "distress" pricing. No, the airlines would not comp our room because they are cheap bastards. They made the excuse that it was "nature" related. It was, but after hanging in the airport for 5hrs or so...c'mon already! Sheeeesh! We did end up getting a flight out of Charlotte, NC. Bout 90min north. We took a taxi and just ate it. At this point....we had to get home for us, our cats, and the most important element is having Alex home for her prom on Sat (oh and FYI....she went and both her and her awesome boyfriend were a fairytale in real life).
Oh, and no layovers on this flight.....wheeeee!!

Ya know, bottom line--it is sooooo very nice to be home. I guess I'm a true blue So Cali girl. I should be since I am a native and all. Ahhhhh......home.

Letters......

2011-05-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

*Just wanted my 2 peeps to be aware that when I title Letters on my newest post(s)----it will be letters to my son Trent. So...my blog, my rules, but you certainly don't have to read these posts*

My Dearest Trent,

These last few days have been a nitemare that I would not want to wish on any parent, EVER! I know that you would have not hurt yourself if you could have forseen the acute pain and emotional chaos that you have caused your family and your friends. What you did, was truly a very selfish act. I know you were not that selfish of a person. I know. I'm not mad at you yet, but as you know I have been touched by this type of pain before with your Grandpa. In fact we talked about it before....how utterly selfish it was for him to kill himself. Maybe at your desperate time of blackness in your head....there were no trigger thoughts to bring you back to what is/was real.

I can't blame you right now. I will...I will get pissy, and damn right fucking mad at you, and what you did to yourself. Tho right now, all I can do is mourn the man you were and more than that, the man you would become. You had such promise...always!! I just wish you could've seen that, and had been kinder to yourself.

We are going thru buttloads of pics of you and your bro and sis. I'm going to put a few of my faves of you up right now. The one pic at the bottom, where you are 15 or 16?....is so classic and brings a smile to my face. It will always make me smile. You are just so relaxed and chilled in it. I wish I could've given that calm back to you instead of all of the anxiety you must've been going thru.

♥ ♥ ♥ mom..............................

a goodbye

2011-05-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a really rough 24hrs, and I don't think it will get any easier the next few weeks, months, etc.

I was contemplating shutting down my blog and my FB page. Then I realized that the blog offers me a place to vent, rage, poke fun at myself, and end all be all, it is a cathartic avenue for me. Such as it will be today I'm hoping. FB is important in alot of different ways. Right now, I need to maintain connection with peeps even tho I want to pull away.

I'm hanging in the Rabbit Hole if you must know. I'm not burrowed very deep, hope not to be, I'm sorta peeking out thru the grassy knolls and keeping on the low. I've lost something very precious to me early yesterday morning. Maybe I had lost my precious boy before that, I don't know.

Trent is my 1st baby. My pride and joy boy. He was definitely a handful to raise lets just say, but I or we thought he was on the right track with his life. There's so much I could tell you about him, but I don't have that much energy or space here on this blog. He was beautiful in every way to me.

Trent was in a dark place that he hid well from us here at home while being stationed at SC. He had support on base from what I'm told and he had the love and support of a beautiful girl. She is beautiful inside and out. The place was so dark and horrific that my beloved son decided to take his life. Now we are all sitting and asking the "whys" and "what-ifs" that go along with suicides. We may never know. No I take that back, we won't EVER know really.

I would never trade knowing you Trent or loving you, even tho I am in such pain right now. Be at peace my loving boy, be at peace. I love you.

Trenton Christopher Howard

June 21, 1988 - May 4, 2011

Yes, I can!!

2011-04-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

Got Gas?

2011-04-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not talking that type of gas....jeeez you guys!!

I'm talking what all is pinching us lately and from what I've read, gas prices are s'posed to go up 40% from where they are now. Like WTF and are they kidding me? Crap!!

I'm definitely going to have to find a job closer to home it seems, and maybe start biking to work. Who cares what type of facility I will end up working in. Nursing is nursing, right? I mean at almost $6.00/gallon (if gas does go up 40%) for my Xterra it will not be a pretty sight. I won't be a pretty sight...let me tell ya that right now.

Shit on a stick is all I have to say bout this.

Here....let me just bend over a little bit more...yeah, that's it.

this kinda sux!

2011-04-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, my running that is.

Now granted I have til July to really and truly get my shit together and my mojo intact for my upcoming running festival in Chicago. Ya know, brite lites, big city dreams and all that. They are a starting to haunt me my peeps. Yes, yes they are. I try really hard not to think about Chicago, but I do. What's a girl to do, specially a somewhat Type A, anal one at that? I know, I know, I've been fighting through injury and all that nasty shit, but really.....lets get this show on the road already! I have very little patience as you two know oh so well, so to say I'm impatient with myself and frustrated is an understatement.

I have had some decent runs as of late. They are short and my longest yesterday was only 75min with some tempo work thrown in for good measure. The run actually turned out fairly well. I hit my tempo strong, p'lby a little faster than what is considered "tempo" and nailed it. Then I sorta had to regroup my energy levels a tad for the last 30min. I'm truly frustrated over my seemingly lack of endurance. I get it. I know I'm not going to have the endurance I had at the end of last season. I'm not stupid, blond yes,

but not stupid. Just frickin frustrated! I should be better than this damn it anyways!! K....I am trying to get a grip I am. No worries my dear coach. I won't go out and do something awe inspiring, like run a triple or anything like that. I first have to find the energy to do that and like I said, my endurance is in the toilet these days.

I've been doing all things that I consider are important for physical well-being/good runs/recovery, etc.

Like Yoda says; "Do or Do Not, There is No Try." Yeah, like whatever little Yoda dude. Aren't you like older than dirt and then some? Yeah, I'm thinking Alzheimer's for sure with you.

I'm messing with my nutrition, hey if I'm not the Guinea Pig, then who else? Now I'm hoping to institute more of a Paleo regime- vegetarian style to lose some fluffiness and to gain some energy (I hope). I'm starting to strength train again even if x2/wk just to ward off injury and
to help with endurance and strength with longer events. My upper bod is so weak, it's a good thing that I do boost and shift patients that are 300+lbs, cuz that is the only upper bod workout I seem to get lately. In turn I plan on doing strengthening core/back for my back. I have a feeling the reason my back muscles are so tight and sore these last few months is lack of strength. Plus I'm sure slouching when I'm relaxing doesn't help either. These are just a few little things off the cuff.

Tho knowing me I'm sure there will be more tweaks here and there through this wonderful season of mine.

Whatsup??

2011-04-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know. It's almost been a week since my last blog post. Like WTF? Well my 2 peeps, this week has been sooo frickin busy for me it isn't even funny or funny as the case may be now. Today has felt like my 1st day off in a very long week stretch. Lets just say with work, then a computer class for a new and upcoming program change to our charting, then doc appts., well my week was pretty much toast from the start.

Other than that, my plan of action for Chicago is back on solidly. No my leg/hip is still pouting at least x1/wk, but whatever at this point. I will make allowances when needed, and when I can do more I will be out there running more. I'm hoping for the "more" at this point. I may get more tired at times with "more," but my bod and mental state do mucho better when I'm on a high running mileage diet lets just say.

Speaking of diets, I've been reading "The Kind Diet"

inbetween my reading of Jon Krakaur's book on Pat Tillman.

Anyhoooo, I've decided to flirt once again with the Veggie lifestyle. No, not solidly at this point, but just a little here and there, and if I eat some meat, then it is what it is at this point. I know my bod does better on a healthier path, so we shall see if it sticks this time.

I've also been either contemplating a complete career change or going back to school in my current career status and changing things up a bit. I'm not sure I'm ready for school again, but I really need to do something. Bedside care is grinding on me yet again, and I need something that challenges me, but gets me somewhat away from the bedside. Tho, that definitely wouldn't be administrative. I handle enuf hospital politics, I would hate to have to kiss ass on a daily basis....not for me.

KO, so you both have been filled in. Oh glory be that it is.

A difference?

2011-03-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

I was going to blog about something totally diff tonite or early this afternoon. Tho, that isn't the case now.

Lets just say I've been fixated on a song that has been in my head (FYI, it doesn't help that I have it on disc and play it my car) I think it is the chorus, but whatever at this point.

All I can say, is that I've had a few patients over the years that were beaten down by their boyfriends/husbands, and it isn't pleasant to nurse these patients. If they survive, they don't press charges, the court systems prosecute some of them, and then, not so many.

I've thought about being a sexual assault team nurse. That would mean doing rape kits-vag swabs, etc. Could or would I make a difference? I don't know. Maybe? Tho being on a trauma floor early in my career and in the unit for most of my career, the answer would be a resounding "NO!" For some reason these women are scared or just plain bullied into going back to their existence. Tho, I'm generalizing, but for the most part it is a given.

I'll leave you with the video of the music that has been haunting me the last week or so.

Pass the deep fried butter, if you will.....

2011-03-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

oh and I guess on fat too-DOH

Here

Check the above link out. It is Super-Size Me in reverse.

perspective??

2011-03-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hola!! My two loyal readers. Como Esta? That's about it for my Spanish, more or less anyways. I took a whole year of it in College, but you or I would never know that. Anyhooo, I should be out running right now, buuuut.......I'm blogging instead.*sheepish grin* It has been like Seattle here the last 16hrs. Big time storm moved in last nite and soaked us. Right now the rain has abated for a bit, perfect time to try and squeeze in a slightly dryish run.

Tho, school starts late for the HS, so I will definitely avoid that traffic if I can. Either that or get run over by some parent that seems to think they are in the Indy 500 and hug the bike lanes or lets just say drive into the bike lanes, don't stop for traffic lites or said runner in crosswalk(s). You would think I would be more leery of the teens driving, but believe me the parents are the worst offenders in the a.m.s and the afternoons.

Had a most awesome week of work last week. Can you get the sarcastic vibe here or what? I had to play patty-cake with not only Dr. Eeyeore, but with his band of merry-makers that don't like to make any rash decisions in regards to patient care. What I mean by rash is that, lets just say I had a pateint who was > 90yrs old, came in for respiratory distress, CHF and the like. Full blown MI to boot with an EF of maybe 30%. Oh, and originally was a full code, but family made her a DNR. Thank God for favors is what I'm thinking. Welp, instead of the docs talking to her and her fam about comfort care, Dr. Eeyeore and team decide that it was too soon to talk with family about "that" type of care. Even tho the patient was fighting all care every step of the way. She is already on BIPAP (with an agonal breathing pattern mind you), which pretty much forces 02 into her and it is a big gawdy mask that must be gawd awful uncomfortable. She is feisty this little patient of mine and puts up a good "I don't want this shit or care" tude on/off thru my entire shift. I have to tell ya, I was so frustrated by the docs and the situation they were putting my patient in, that I felt like burning my RN license and going into another line of work. Maybe dog walking, pet sitting, coaching (just teezin Brian), ya know, something alot less stressful. Long story short is that I have a hop work days, so I come back and have this same patient again 2 days later. I can't believe she is still with us, like in "living" with us. Same shit different day beginning with the docs. Soooo, I decide to talk with the family about comfort care. They are receptive. I then tell the docs, and request that an order for comfort care be placed. One member of the team decided we can start a morphine drip, but lets not make her too comfortable until Hospice comes into talk with the family. Like WTF? I get that Hospice order in like hotcakes. All I have to say, is that I got the right thing done for my little patient of mine by the middle of shift. We made her comfortable, family came in and went out. She finally made her peace with this world and is onto the next.

I'm still pissy with these docs. Unfortunately this is what care is all about more often than not. Tho I wouldn't call it care after awhile, it's more like torture...........but that's just one nurse's opinion here.

my life in a nutshell

2011-03-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

UGH!! UGH!!

Yep, that pretty much sums it up lately. Actually, more like the last 6mos or so, or possibly even longer, but who is counting?

I am sooo frickin ass tired sometimes it is scary. I slept about 10hrs last nite. No, not non-interrupted, but still....10 frickin hrs my peeps, and I'm still tired!! I woke up tired, and this isn't the 1st time I'm waking up tired.

I'm not super stressed right now. In fact, life is pretty damn good lately. Yes, I work long hrs and am on my feet pretty much all day when I work.

Yes, I have gone back to FT, which means I work an xtra day every other week or so, but still........

Yes, I run, but my mileage and run times have been cut back the last month or so, cuz of injury...so what the hell?

I did some slight, quasi research on perimenopause. Well, I am 48 after all, tho I still have my period, yeah, TMI, get over it you weenie babies. Guess what? One of the symptoms of perimenopause (along with a host of others that I won't get into) is/are: EXTREME FATIGUE AND DEPRESSION. Like no shit! Tell me something I didn't already know. Tell me how to combat the fatigue issue, cuz I'm really over it already. I already know that Lexapro and Xanax have become my BFFs in the last couple of yrs, but what about fatigue damn it?! Nada...they suggest to see your MD and discuss possible Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Really? That is ambiguous at best and CFS is like Fibromyalgia....vague and a blanket statement for "I'm your doc, but I really don't know what the fuck is going on with you, so this is the diagnosis you get today."

As you all know, I switch my diet around, I eat as clean as possible, drink lots of water...nada. Then I go back to my heathen ways...wine, bread, pasta, sweets...same shit.....I actually lose weight on my heathen existence, go figure that one. Soooo diet is overrated for me at least. What? What then?

I'm open to ideas.....HELLOOOOOO????

This is just not right!!

2011-03-07T13:10:00.000-08:00

Being injured that is. It sucks!! My right hip and ITB are just squealing loud enuf to where I have to take a few days off, cut my run times by a ridiculous precentage and on top of that....I'm feeling fluffy. No, lets restate that, I AM FLUFFIER! Grrrrrr! Oh and that isn't cute bunny fluffy either.

Guess in a way it is good that I procrastinate on entering races. Right now the only race that is paid for is Chicago, and come hell or high water, I WILL be running that race. All the other ones are going to have to wait until I'm over this and feel that my body can recover adequately from racing.

Until then, you can call me Cranky Princess, thank you very much.

Bumps in the road....

2011-02-27T15:44:00.000-08:00

like really...what else is new? Went out for my long run this morn, with some tempo work from my wonderful, smart and good looking coach. *cough-cough....wheeeze, sharp choking noise*
K, I've regained my composure...sorta anyways.

My ITB is still acting up and not only affecting my knee, but my quad. Maybe my quad is acting up due to tight hip flexors or maybe my psoas. Like really, who the hell knows at this point? Unfortunately I have the premonition that this malady might haunt me all season. Even with dynamic warm up stretching/work, massages, resistant stretching, etc. As long as my RLE doesn't bug me too much while running, I can deal with the after effects of my tight ass muscles.

I also found out this morn, whilst cruising the web and contemplating signing up for the La Jolla 1/2, is that the race is sold out. I'm not terribly disappointed. I was using this race as a precursor to the RnR marathon, and I've done the race before. It surprises me that it has sold out so early. Tho of course, I've sorta juggled a few things race venue wise since finding out. It might actually benefit me in a positive way. At this point in time I'm more than 90%+ sure that I will nix doing the full RnR marathon and just sign up for the 1/2 instead. I don't really appreciate the RnR course as it is, even with the last 6 mile changes, which I hear from peeps that did it last year, really don't help the race at all. Plus, RnR SD beats the living shit out my body.

I've done this race 3x in the last 12yrs and it is never merciful to me. Alot of the race is over concrete overlay on the 163 and the the surfaces for the most part are cambered (aka slanted) for 80% of the race. Another negative is a good chunk of the course is thru some industrial parts of SD that are truly, TRULY boooring! So, this is good this change of developments.

I figure, Chicago is my diamond this year. I will BQ (Boston Qualify) and shoot for the NYC qualifying time too. Plus, it will be all get out fun!!!

Really??

2011-02-23T17:41:00.000-08:00

K, so I'm still sorta irritable bout work yesterday or lets just say a few shifts the last few months with the "like WTF and REALLY?", side of me sprouting it's ugly head. Don't get me wrong, I had a smooth day. Did the break nurse thing and no patients coming in from the ED, so I was outta there by 3:00 p.m.

I guess what is irritating me like a prick (no not "I'm a prick type of person or just a prick") from a prickly weed plant when you try to pull it or brush against it and the itch and irritation stays with you for a couple of days. Yeah, like that. I was asked by a coworker yesterday to change a dressing on a guy, who was actually going in for a stent placement. This guy happened to be a cardiac stent candidate, had a Heparin drip going, so that his blood (putting it in Layman's terms) wouldn't clot. Anyhow, he had a groin dressing, had to have pressure held with removal of prior groin line, and was a bleeding risk. Sooooo, I told her I would change the dressing down to the clotted dressing site, redress on top and reinforce. I did. Then I find out my Charge Nurse goes in to do the same thing, but takes the dressing all the way down per this nurse's re-request. To me this is an unnecessary risk for bleeding and risk to said patient.. Call me a conservative, I know shock-shock, with patients on anticoagulant drips.

The reasoning behind all of this brouhaha over a dressing change, is so that the site would look nice and pretty when they took it down again. Like really? Is "pretty" a necessity when someone might start bleeding again? Ya know, pretty and having a patient fluffed and puffed (which only means you as a nurse are good at making your patient nice looking, sheets, etc.) and looking awesome at the end of shift or when you send them somewhere is all nice, but it certainly isn't necessary and IMO is a big risk at times. I've seen primping and turning patients when they can't handle any of this and they can go bad really fast. Bottom line, is did you do the major nursing care to make a difference other than aesthetics or did you just make said patient "pretty" to cover the crap you didn't do?

Tho, that's just this anal ICU RN's perspective and all.

Then again....really? What do I know?

weekly recap

2011-02-19T17:36:00.000-08:00

K, sooooo it's been a somewhat long week. Joint Commission in the house at work, and of course we will have them visit again.......but other than that, this week has been a very good week. I believe I live in paradise. The last few weeks here in So. Ca have been absolutely gorgeous.

I can't even begin to complain. Yeah, I pay the price of the "sunshine" tax and take in less wages than other R.N.s elsewhere (which sorta sucks if I think about it too much), but all in all I'm really glad that I live here. Today the weather has shifted to rain, but the sun peaks thru every now and again and makes the grass look like crystal shards. I ran in the rain this morn. 1st time I got to wear my Patagonia rain slicker. Very nice indeed. Right now I have the house to myself, with exception of my sleeping furry beasts, so now you know why the mood. There's something very soothing about being the only one at home at times.

As for other little nit picky items, well JCAHO did come to visit this week.

Tho, they seem to have changed their strategy and are more friendlier than I remember from the past. That's good in a way, kinda snuffs a little bit of the intimidation factor out, but not all of it. I was sorta put on the hot seat about stroke patients (our hospital is trying to get certified for stroke care/rehab, etc.) I held my own, and my wonderful team of coworkers didn't shy away and let me hang there, even tho I wasn't flinching yet under the noose, but they were there for me and I so appreciate and love them for it. This is why I stay where I am at. I couldn't ask for a better team of peeps to work with, really I couldn't. Eventually I might move on, but not right now, and if and when.....??

For running, well, I'm still running, yes I am. My ITB (aka illiotibial band and lower back tightness) have been rearing it's ugly, ugly head the last couple of weeks. It's starting to effect my R knee as it is. I started going back to my massage therapist, and will religiously. This year my racing goals are way to important to get sidelined by a frickin injury

at the beginning of the year no less. I'm doing resistance stretching (thanks to my husband making it a needed point and helping). All I can do at this point is say some prayers and hope that this impending injury doesn't hound me for my season.

Ya know...like I said, all in all a pretty frickingly good week.

2011-02-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

A given situation can be viewed as either unbearable or beneficial: it depends how we look at it. We must make certain that things don’t begin to seem unbearable. If we look too closely at problems we will see nothing else and they will appear out of proportion with reality; that is when they become intolerable. If we can stand back , we will be better able to judge them and they will seem less serious.

--Dalai Lama

fyi- Loral....I needed this. TYVM

Pepcid Puhleeez!!

2011-02-15T17:36:00.000-08:00

Yeah, between my B-Day last week, dinners (YUM!), and yesterday being V-Day with chocolate and all, sour sweet tart hearts and all at work.....*burp* Yep that pretty much sums it up.

I restarted a eating plan from the 4 hour body tho since I'm the Princess as you 2 know it, I'm not exactly a slow carb/low carb kinda girl. :-( I can honestly say, when on low mileage type of running, which I'm sorta doing now since I'm in my base/phase 1 period per se, I can do this type of diet without negatively effecting my energy levels and I do feel better on it, but man...oh man. My brain may feel better, but my guts are not enjoying it so much. Like big time!! I won't go into details, but can we say Pepto, Imodium and Pepcid as the bunker against this meat/bean/veggi onslaught?

I've recovered....I've decided to do an inbetweener plan. Sorta like "The Zone/4 Hour Hotty Bod/RP plan of attack. Have some decent grains/carbs for B-fast and do a slow carb/low carb ingest the rest of the day. Tho my wine intake needs to be moderated....DAMN!!

Do I need to lose weight? No not really. Do I need to get sleek, hard-like and awesome....HELL YEAH!

Sooooo, like whatever already. I'll let you know how it all goes, and then some.

Another year

2011-02-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

Yep, turned the big 48 today. All is good. I can't stop time and learned a long time ago not to even try. I know that I am in better physical condition today than I was at 28. Yeah, I probably have a few more wrinkles than in my yewt, but at least gravitational pull hasn't done it's damage just yet. Tho, the area it would hit the hardest I'm not all that well enhanced in, so maybe that is a major plus later on in life...like say, right now! I have yet to do botox or any of those other expensive time rendering lovelies...cuz I really don't want to look like this, lets just say.........

I've had a great B-Day day and weekend this last weekend. Did the tour of SD downtown. Stayed at a high end hotel in the Gaslamp district. Relaxed, ate and drank. Can a girl as for more? Yeah, probably, but I'm good with what was given to me and then some. Today I picked up my Airman that flew in on the last of his leave to see us.

All I can say is right now, all is good in my world.

mixed nuts

2011-02-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

Yeah, life hands you mixed nuts every once in awhile or more often if you are "me."

It's been a tuf 1st of the year lets say. Marriage, somewhat "ifey" lately. I pushed away a potential good friend or so I think, and I'm just struggling at times.

I keep thinking, maybe it's a mid-life thing, but that is way to easy of an excuse it seems. Tho is it really? We all go thru shit when we hit 40 or greater. Like what is up with that crap? Don't we go thru enuf shit during our teenage years and early 20's to not go thru some sorta growth/age spurt yet again? I think the devined one upstairs has a wicked sense of humor to be told. Like really? Is this funny to you? I don't agree, really I don't.

Anyways, onward and so on. I can only hope that my month of February proves to be better. Like MUCHO better.

my race

2011-01-31T16:22:00.000-08:00

Well, actually it isn't my race per se. It's more like Chicago's race, but I digress....it is my RACE this year.

As you my 2 peeps know, I have been excited about this race ever since I decided it would be on my "to do" list this year. S'posedly it is one of the few races that is a Qualifier for NYC and besides that, it is Chicago! A city I have never been to, cept for a short layover at O'Hare. I have my very good friend Ms. Tasha and her notorious canines that will be putting me up for my short trip and showing me the sites inbetween my taper, resting, eating, et al., before marathon day, oh and of course there is always the partying after said marathon.

I watched a video that I posted to FB. I'm a friend of "the Chicago Marathon site," so I get updates and such. Anyhow, there is a butt load of peeps doing this race. I think they cap off the race at 45,000.

Yes, that is the correct number with requisite zeros and all. I think SD Rock & Roll is a zoo at 25,000. That will seem like child's play when trying to squeeze thru and get by runners at Chicago. Maybe I will have to take my taser, eh? Not such a bad idea if I can get it thru airport security that is.

Seeing that the cap is at 45,000 I'm not too worried about getting in. Tho, there could be a snag, but I'm not feeling any of that right now. Now if I do BQ (Boston Qualify) again and if I do NYC- Qualify, then those races will be somewhat of a headache to get into even with qualifying times. That is not this year, so no worrying about that at this point in time.

All I can say is that "I'm Going to and racing in CHICAGO!!!!"

Life

2011-01-30T17:17:00.000-08:00

I stumbled onto this blog more or less by catching up on this blog. It's tragic, life affirming and gives me faith in people when I'm ready to lose faith at times lately.

My Center

2011-01-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

As all my 2 readers know...I love the beach. I can't lay on the beach for an extended period of time due to my fragile "whiteness", but I love the coast. It centers me, calms me, and does something to me that no other place I go seems to do to my soul. Yeah, you may think me strange, but get the flock over it already. :-)

I decided to hit the beach early today. Tho traffic sorta fought against me for a bit, but I won out eventually. It was an awesome day all around. I watched the news early and I know that NYC is getting major snow, and we are getting major SUN!!!

Of course, I'm not just going to the beach to lounge. I have 2 agendas mind you. I have to do my run with speedwork thrown in for fun...yeah lotso fun was had.

Then I get to lounge on the sand.

Did my run, with speedwork along the hard packed sand mind you. Awesome!

Decided to drive from C'bad beach to Ponto. Got situated was lying there relishing the sun, and slight wind. Of course, I have a lovely strip of sand all to myself and then some moms decide to come up right behind me and park themselves and their loud, cute (but obnoxious) kidlets....ugh! I maybe relaxed for 20 min total before this came about.

Hit a friend's abode after.....and she has the cutest puppy ever!! I might adopt, tho there are limited restrictions, but I might just cross the line. Is this the cutest little girl or what?

my bucket list

2011-01-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, my 2 peeps this year I have done something new. No resolutions. Really, haven't done resolutions in a long time. I think resolutions are made to be broken, tho that's just my opinion.

Anyhow, on the 1st of January I started compiling a "bucket list" of sorts that I will accomplish before the end of this year. The list isn't too long yet (yes, I keep adding to it), which is good, and it is quite doable...another positive. Don't want to put something on it like, traveling to Japan (not going to happen this year) or posing for Playboy

....(hahahaha!*cough-cough*hahahah!). K, trying to regain composure here.

A couple of "to do" items I've already mentioned in previous posts, so I will let you figure them out. I won'tgive you my total list, cuz it is my list after all and some of the stuff on it would make the movie Black Swan look tame. Tho, one item on my list is to have ink done. Yeah, you heard me. My body is a clean canvas at this point. I figured out what I want as far as design and all, now I just have to do it. The the area I'm contemplating is the top of my foot, traveling up towards my ankle. I have to get the timing right, so I'm not running any major distances for about 2 days or so after I get the ink done. It will be really cool and I will keep you updated with pics and all. Lucky peeps that you are.

On another news front....Chicago opens for registration at midnite Feb 1!! I can't tell you how jazzed I am. I work on the 1st, so I plan on staying up (yeah at times I can hit my bed pretty damn early) and registering at 10:00 p.m. PST, which should be about 12:00 a.m. CST. Least I hope so. I'm soooo excited I might just pee my shorts! *ahem* Yes, TMI...like whatever. I am that excited! :-)

2011-01-16T07:12:00.000-08:00

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Maya Angelou

In transition....

2011-01-13T16:33:00.000-08:00

with my life it seems. I started my new year of training. Thank you very much Bri. You are da bomb, period!!

I'm contemplating getting my CCRN, thanks to my no nonsense of a good friend Loral. Who made me notice that not doing it was just a lazy, lame, excuse. The education process, added brain stimulation, and challenge of the class will be good for me, and I guess that is always a positive in retrospect. The certification exam...(ick), will be beneficial in my field, and not only add xtra alphabet soup behind my RN credentials, but will make me grow as a person and an RN.

My personal life is in so-called transition. Decisions to be made....definitely not easy, but needed decisions. Life is never easy it seems, but if you hang onto the rollercoaster, and can smile thru most of it and get some good thrills, then all is good, right? The rest of the crap that stresses you and depresses you.....just say "FUCK IT!" Plus, it's a learning curve....yeah, that's it. Once I hit 60, and look back, I just might consider all of this a fun learning experience.

Yes!! Tis My Year!!

2011-01-04T16:57:00.000-08:00

Everyone has their years, or year at one time or another. I'm proclaiming this year as MY YEAR!! I think I deserve it and you know if you don't agree....well then, I really don't give a shit.

It's my year to spread my wings.

My year to explore new territories, whether within myself, or out and about in our great expansive world.

It is my year to see what I can accomplish and do with my running, God willing and barring any injuries.

My year to expand my horizons guilt free,

and those that fling guilt or try to blanket me with guilt for doing so, shame on you!

It is my year to make new friends, meet the great friends I have yet to meet and be a friend for someone that needs one.

My year to find my true self if needed, reach back to my past when necessary and learn to let go.........

It is my year for no apologies for who I am, what I do, and how I act or react.

My year to appreciate myself, love myself more for who I am at this moment in time. To not be too hard on myself, to give myself a frickin break every once in awhile and to be able to breathe and to have the knowledge and acceptance that all is good.

2011-01-01T07:41:00.000-08:00

"Say what you feel now. Love what you love now."

*exerpt from The Book of Awakenings*

Thank God you are finally here.

2010's 4-5 stars!!

2010-12-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

Oh, like I've know the 2 of you have been waiting for this post with baited breath (sounds rather disgusting, doesn't it?) and what I will pick for the years bestest and some of the not sooo goodies.

Without further ado....here we be.

10) My newly purchased Hoka trail shoes (many thanks to Dirt Diva for turning me on to these kicks). Kinda goofy looking, but they are heaven on the trails. Not so great on the roads on my way to the trails around me. They are comparable I would say to mt. bike fat tires. The ride is definitely sub-par on the road, but when you get the tires and/or shoes on the dirt watch out!

9) My new found love for compression socks and/or knee highs. I know, nerd or dork alert as it is. I have decided that these are da bomb for my runs "after" my work days. Whether I run that nite or the next off day. They help keep me running strong without the cramping or the dead leg feeling from being on my feets at work for 12+hr shifts.

8) Belega socks. They don't pill (aka- those nasty, knobby things on sweaters, socks, etc.) after washing several times, they don't get stiff-like (hey! hey! don't go there), for the most part they stay nice, soft and comfy from the get go. They are def my 98% wear all the time sock. Tho, they do have one drawback, if it's cold out, they def don't shunt the cold like Smart Wool socks do.

7) My CW-X running tights. I've had these tights for about 2+yrs now. Love, love em!! I wish I would've bought more from ZombieRunner back in the day. I have one full length and the other capri length. They are awesome. No if's and or buts, or should that be butts?

6) Kahoots pet stores. Love their stuff. Love their passion for pets everytime I walk in the door. All the food in their store (for the most part) is natural. No cornmeal added. If I'm spending good money on my felines, then I shouldn't be buying food with cheap ass cornmeal in it as one of the main ingredients.

5) Georgio Armani Silk Foundation. Yeah, well I'm a chick so bear with me here. Absolutely the best foundation I have found. Goes on nice, silky, doesn't cake or do strange Frankenstein things to your face after a few hours. Worth the xtra pennies and the trip to Neimans or Saks if needed.

4) Kat Von D eyeshadow.

It's a little tricky to work with at 1st, but this stuff is great and will last thru dancing til dawn or just a tuf day at the saltmines.

3) Tiger Balm, which I have used for muscle aches/pains. Tho now I have a new use for it, thanks to my buddy Joanne. I lightly pat it under my nose before I head into a pt's room. Ya know the type of pt's I'm referring to. GI bleeds, wounds, BO issues, etc. Gotta r'mber to store mine in my work backpak before my next shift---DOH!!

2) My friends and family. Yeah, really! You guys give me support and show me the light when I'm struggling. You are da bomb my peeps. Love you totally!

1) Myself (for those of you who have forgotten what I look like- I'm on the far right). Yeah, sounds sorta trite and weird, but without my own faith in what I can accomplish, then I wouldn't have much of a life. I definitely wouldn't be where I am today or who I am today. I just need to r'mber this bit of internal Hoooo-Raaaah! And tap into it more in 2011.

FLOPS of 2010

Actually not too many, which is p'bly a good thing.

5) Thorlo running socks (the new thinner ones). Still not sold on Thorlo. I know some peeps love em. M wears them when playing basketball. They have new anklet socks for us runners. Ok, but they slip and bunch. Not a good thing when you are out for a 2hr run. They have been shoved into the "work" pile of socks.

4) Crappy wine. I mean who has the time for craptacular wine? Nuf said.

3) My spiral curling iron. Too much of a pain in the ass to use and after a pain staking hour or so, doesn't accomplish Taylor Swift ringlets. Use a regular barreled curling iron. Will get the job you need done faster= efficiency.

2) Gel refill writing pens (I covet them for work or use to) that require from said local "office supply" store that the only way to purchase refills is online. Are they like on crack or what? Pen(s) thrown away. What a ridiculous bit of nonsense. If you carry the pens in store then carry the frickin refills already!

1) This is a biggie of mine this year. Negative peeps. Whether docs, nurses, administrators, retailers, etc. Ok, so I get that you've had a crappy day or maybe your day is just beginning and you are a fucking negative nelly!! Please don't saddle me with your negativity. Unfortunately (true) it is easier to be negative than positive, so I don't need your vibe. Thank you very much.

There it is my peeps. Glean info as you can or not. Love all of you. Happy New Year to ya!!

Merry Christmas--you filthy animals!!

2010-12-22T07:37:00.000-08:00

Stay warm my peeps and have a wonderful holiday!!

rounding the corner

2010-12-19T08:01:00.000-08:00

Wow! I really can't believe that this coming Saturday will be Christmas. Like...huuuh? Last week I thought there were 2 more weeks until D-Day. Hmmmm, guess not. I still have not finished shopping. Basically little things, and a couple of white elephant gifts for a girl's lunch that I have planned this week, but still........*yawn*

Yep, tired and sore this morning. Hobbles decided to wake me up and 0430, so she got the cage for that nonsense. She gets all tweaked, so it really isn't her fault. You see I usually get up around that time to choke back a little coffee and head out for a run before getting ready for work and heading out. The last 2 days I was there (up, coffee swiggin, run, work), so she just assumed that I was ready to get up and give her some love is all.

I know I'm sore from work today. The last couple of days at work were nonstop for the most part. Plus, I had a big patient on both of my shifts, on sedation and a paralytic, so moving him around was fun to say the least. I also had the wonderful privilege to work with Dr. Eeyore (refer to this post). He frustrated me and brought me into his negative energy my 1st day on. Grrrrr!! Anyhoooo, time to recover for a couple then back at it again.

I want to send a yell out to all the new grads. Whooohooo you did it!! Nurse XY most xcellent job my man. You will have those days in nursing where you wonder "why did I ever pick this profession?" and days that you will love and say...."YES!" To all my peeps that are still going thru nursing school. Yay! You made it thru another semester. YOU CAN DO IT!!

KO- thinking it's time to lace up and work out the kinks. Splash around in some puddles, dance a little in the rain. Yes, I said RAIN! We finally got what I consider Christmasy weather here in So. Ca. Time to enjoy it.

Oh no...they got Santa!!

2010-12-15T13:31:00.000-08:00

Love this one!!

I think Tasha posted this on her blog last yr or the yr before. This one never gets old.

Tis the season.....

2010-12-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

Yep, yep. S'posedly according to all of the internet sites there is only 12 days til Christmas. Like whaaaat?? Nooooo!! Well, I'm not to worried. Gots most of my shopping in the bag so-to-speak, but there are always tidbits here and there. Plus, as per previous post...no I have not shipped anything to Qatar just yet. I will, I will....jeeeez!! Give me a break. I have still yet to get my Christmas cards out . Guess I should sit my butt down and do that today, eh?   At the very least, I got the Gingerbread Cookie Dough done and in the fridge. Now the part that takes the most time, rolling it out, cutting/cooking and decorating. That more than likely won't happen til Wed., cuz of work. Damn work! Always getting in the way of what I have to do.

I think part of my butt dragging this year is that our weather has been pretty unlike Christmasy weather out here. I know I shouldn't complain, but I am. Where's the chill?  Where's the need for my Uggs, jeans, sweaters and my bright red wool pea coat? Right now I'm in shorts, a T and barefoot. My usual 85% of the year attire mind you. This time of year, it needs to feel like Christmas. At least a little. I know, poors RP putting up with 85 degree sunny weather. Ya know, it is what it is, and it really shouldn't be 85....just saying.......

On a side note sorta, I've never done a newsletter in my cards. I loathe newsletters about how some yokem's year went, and how great their kids are, and how they bought a 3rd home in some paradise getaway...yeah, yeah...whatevah!! Tell someone that really gives a shit is what I'm thinking while reading these things. Lucky for me, most peeps that send me cards are too busy for newsletters, but there is always that one, ugh! I should do a newsletter...I think it would go something like this;    (Plus...I need to be at least 50 for this. Hahahaha---not!! By the way, I'm not 50 either, tho my dad thinks I am, sheesh! Besides that, this is most xcellent reading material my mates).

Christmas Letter

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

2010-12-13T08:43:00.000-08:00

Just for those of you who just might need a little something to smile about, since it is crunch time.

Oh, and be forwarned: 2010's bests and floppages are just around the corner.

No...no!! I'm just fluffy is all!

2010-12-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is it fluffy. I like fluffy it is more kind that the alternative in my hardwired girlish brain.

I mentioned to one of my best girls Tasha this morn via email that I tried on a new Splish bikini

...and sorta had a moment. Just a moment that's all. I have a one piece too, that fit ok... Tho, the 2 piece top part was just fine (thanks to my small boobages as they are), but...ummm, the bottoms were just a little snug. I thought for 1/2 minute...maybe a tad more to send back the bikini. Then again, I told myself (yes, I do talk to myself quite often, thank you very much), "self, you are on the fluffy side." "You have decreased your running per your coach and your needs this last month+, you have been drinking Heavenly eggnog TY Costco this time of yr., and a little more wine and cheese ingestion than needed......"

After all of this self realization I'm good with it. I ain't going to worry, cuz starting the 1st I'm hitting it and digging in.

It's break time for this runner....and if I get a little fluffy around the curves, then so be it!

Tid Bits......

2010-12-06T15:36:00.000-08:00

K, so it's been a little while to say the least. Hey! Hey! I've been a little busy over here. No snickering...I hear that!!

Our ICU unit was overbrimming with patients for the last few weeks and now we shuffled some around, some finally went to the Celestial Floor because they were long over due and some of our repeat offenders (ya know the DKAs, ODs, etc. that actually get well and leave) are back once again it sounds like. Don't get me wrong I like being busy. I do, but it gets a little trying and frustrating. Frustrating: when family members can't call it a day and let their loved one go, or when we teach and teach and have unlimited support for our repeat offenders and then after all the work they come thru the doors again a few months later. Sorta like a bad penny.

The last day at work I had a cantankerous soul, who thought she was the Queen Bee. Tho, I set her straight about who was in charge of her care that day. She was funny at times, argumentative most of the time and just plain nasty the rest of her stay with me. Tho when we parted ways, and I deposited her on the Med-Surg floor she somehow found a wheelchair and came back to visit me later in the day. Hmmmm, what was that comment I made earlier about the pennies? My other patient was a youngster in my world of nursing. I love it when I nurse the teens. Tho, this guy had a gushing of blood at the end of my shift from a body part that should never gush blood. Lets just say, I threw him a towel and told him to hold pressure against his nether-regions. Long story short, he is good and p'bly doing all the teen things again that teens do. Ya know...another strange day in the Unit to say the least.

As for other parts of life....well, I'm hanging. Trying to get ready for Christmas is always somewhat hectic. I still need to ship off a care pkg to my son in Iraq. I know, bad mom!! Is that like Bad Santa?

It's just hard to figure out what to put in this said care pkg. I asked him if there was anything he needed. He replied back, "no not anything specific, everything is good." "Tho don't send porn, I wouldn't want to have too much fun." Then he puts the requisite LOL. Ummmm, yeah, he has his mother's strange ass sense of humor that is for sure.

As for training....I'm still on a break more or less. Tho I think I will try to get my mileage up somewhat, so the legs don't completely fall off come the 1st of the yr. I got in the pool the other day.

I know!! 1st time in a long time. Can't even r'mber how long. Thought I would need floaties, but all was good. Guess I have enuf FLUFF to float with right now.

Tried an Insanity workout today.

Lord have mercy! It was only 20min, but it kicked my white butt all over the place.

Now if you will excuse me I have to try and get out of this puter chair and hobble to the kitchen.

going for the brass ring

2010-11-29T16:37:00.000-08:00

I dunno if you guys have every been on a merri-go-round where you have to snag a brass ring. It was all that an a bag of potatoe chips, but then again, when I snagged the ring...no tatoe chips and nada. Tho, not this time my peeps! 2011 is my year to make do or shut the hell up for a bit of time. Not like I talk about my running too much, tho I have had hints from FB friends that I do tend to talk/whine and what not about running...but whaaatevah!! I've decided to go for the frickin brass ring. Hell w/that..how bout the gold or platinum ring instead?

I'm gonna hit or kill myself trying, tho my coach will have to keep me from being to anal and killing myself...just saying Bri. Anyhow, I'm hitting it!. I'm going for Qualifying for Boston this time around, and hopefully at the same time hitting NYC times, so I can either make a choice or go for broke with both in the same year. Tho, there is a lottery, which really sucks, but it is what it is....I'm striving for a NYC time in my age bracket of 3:38 marathon time. If I don't get to mixed up in the numbers and just remind myself it is a day in and day out process I should succeed.

I haven't told too many peeps about my Chicago Marathon plans. Not even my hub's knows. Tho T does know, cuz I plan on camping on her couch and having a touristy experience of Chicago. No I have never been, but damn it...I will be visiting this next fall that is for sure. I don't know which I'm more excited about, visiting T or doing the marathon in frickin Chicago!!

Tho, I still have to register and all that, but it doesn't seem half as bad as trying to get into other BQ races like St. George, etc.

Wish me luck in training and registering this next yr. Whoooohoooo....goin to Chicago...goin to Chicago......

off the wagon

2010-11-26T17:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is true. I've decided after helping a pt yesterday transfer to the celestial floor it was time to have some turkey. I know, us grunt patrol nurses have a strange vibe and humour. We can talk about the grossest things over lunch or wherever and not miss a bite of food in the process. I won't even bore you with the realistic gross talk.

Soooo, there I be, debating whether or not to get the freebie turkey lunch offered at the office. To do, not to do...tis or was the question of the day. I made the decision at that moment in time, that life is too short and animals are just too delicious not to eat. I really wasn't doing it for the animals anyways. Don't get me wrong, I love animals, but then again some are just made to eat. I just wanted to see if I felt much different in going vegi for as long as I could do. To be truthful, I do not feel too much diff, but I was/am continuing to eat more healthy. Going vegetarian for a few days, weeks, etc., you don't have all that many choices and yeah, you pretty much eat alot of greens, beans, and hearty grains. The big thing for me, is that I never really felt full. Which has it merits don't get me wrong, but being hungry 2hrs later after a substantial meal of twigs and berries....just wasn't cutting it for me. Plus, we only have one go around...might as well eat what makes me happy, in moderation of course.

*cough-cough* Yeah, moderation........

Actually in a surprising fashion the hospital turkey delight with trimmings was really good. I was more than pleasantly surprised. Ya know, hospital food is usually a 1-star

affair if you are lucky that is. I didn't really eat all that much, but felt like what I figure the gastric bipass pts feel like when they ingest more than their required 30oz of fluids. Man, was I full. More so than I had felt in the last 3+wks on this vegi-experience. Tho, it wasn't a bloated full, just a nice..."ahhhhh" full.

I have to say tho, that I was able to leave the office early yesterday. :-) Then making the mistake of having some more turkey for dinner. Ummm, not so good of an idea. My stomach sorta rebelled and it was hard to get to sleep. Today, I'm giving my guts a chance to readjust to their carnivorous ways. No meat today. Maybe a tad bit of chicken tomorrow. We will play it by ear.

At least for now, my tummy is happy.

2010-11-17T15:56:00.000-08:00

Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces

----Seether----

As you are well aware of my 2 fans, I am an ICU RN...least at this point in time I am again. It's tough to stay positive in my area of work. It's really tough to know if I am making some sort of difference somehow on a shift by shift basis. I'm also very hard on myself. Hmmm, like imagine that one. I want more, whether it is more of a learning curve, more variety in patients, more respect from supervisors/manager(s) and MDs....just more, more, more, damn it anyways!!

Sometimes, I just want to throw an all out tantrum like a 2yo would, but that wouldn't be very nice to see a grown woman do, specially on the job. Then again, reality TV has made insta-hits out of women just doing that many times over.

Soooo, I have to try and sit back, bide my time and try to relax. I'm not a very patient person as you well know, so just taking day by day for me can be a little rough at times.

This impatience...ADD flows into all areas of my life, not just work. It's so easy to get mired in the future of things, and it's hard to come back to today and wondering why things don't seem to be progressing as I feel they should. Yeah, yeah....there is only this hour, only today, the entire day if you are lucky enuf. I need to really remind myself of this, which I tell my patients families repeatedly. Soooo, like why can't I take my own advice?

As someone brilliant once stated; "Life happens when you are making other plans."

It's been....

2010-11-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

7 days today, a week today with no meat!! Strange, but true. I've never gone this long on a so-called food change or deletion of a food group(s) I guess I should say.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not a strict vegetarian or like M puts it "vaga-tarian." I still incorporate dairy and eggs, tho I'm not a big egg eater, so the dairy is my saving grace I guess. I just make sure what dairy I do ingest, it is hormone free, organic, etc.

I've been asked if I feel any different or if I have more energy. Well, my peeps it has only been a week. I don't know what to say. Tho I can fall back on the ol' "Rome wasn't built in a day" crap, but that doesn't make much sense as a come back. Lets just say, the jury is still out on this.

I am supported by none other than the great John Hopkin's research team. I noticed a flyer at work for TGIM (thank god it's Monday). They are trying to get peeps to go meatless on Monday. Ahem, that is food meat my dirty minded peeps. Anyways, click on the pic and check out the link.

K, off I go here to whip up something vaga-tarian for Bfast. Then off to Barons or Henrys to look for Chia Seeds and Maca Powder. I know, I know, next time you see me I will be in Birkenstocks, a long flowing, flowery skirt, wild flowers in my tresses and touting love and peace.

Damn Ooompa Looompas!

2010-11-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

I woke up hrs ago...p'bly like 2ish I figure. The 1st thing I start thinking about is my last blog post and how craptacularly depressing it is. I'm lying in bed 1/2 awake trying to get my brain to shut the hell up and let the rest of us go back to sleep, eventually young Skywalker...eventually it tells us. I thought, gee maybe I should pull the post, but life throws ya curves sometimes and it is my blog after all. I say that from time to time don't I?

Anyhow, then frickin ooompa loompas (ya know the little,annoying guys in Charlie & The Choco Fxty) pop into my head. Like really brain...what the.......?? No, I'm not on any hallucinogenics, tho maybe I should be. It could make things so much more interesting.

I think it is really the meatless diet that is messing with my head and sleep patterns. Maybe it is the lack of hormones and antibiotics pushed into the meats that my bod is suffering withdrawals from. Hmmmm.......

As for the whole breast issue. I'm chalking it up to scar tissue from a few yrs back where I had some aspiration done. Damn radioligist came at me with a frickin horse needle. I'm like are you coming at my breast with that thing? He was not very gentle and had a wonderful manner about him. Ass that he was/is. I've had issues ever since, so yeah, could be the ol post surgery/trauma adhesions. Thank you very much Dr. Hyde.

Speaking of ooompa loompas......damn cats are driving me nuts already this morn. I keep threatening them with throwing them outdoors, but they just look at me and smile and swish their tails in the air. Like yeah ma, we hear ya.....then back to whatever is getting them scolded in the 1st place.

I think it is time for a short, head clearing run this morn. Least to make sure the oompa loompas leave for good. :-)

whatsup?

2010-11-10T13:12:00.000-08:00

Not much in a nutshell, then again alot if I think about it. I've decided to take some time off from the training grind. Getting pretty burnt out and someone smarter than me recognized this. Go figure that one. You know you are a little ragged around the edges with your training when, 1) you cringe at thinking about running, which I love by the way. 2) I would rather deep clean my house (I have done recently instead of running). Like really? WTF is up with that one? Tho, the day after ( I clean) you can't notice, due to teens that don't clean up and my 4 cats.........

Other than that, I've been pretty much vegetarian the last 3 days. Yeah, I'm giving it a go again. I'm just so tired lately...I have to give something a try. Boosting my vits and my iron tabs, etc., hoping that helps my so-so-ness. Will let you know how it all transpires and for how long. :-/

Planning on changing my work status to FT instead of PT. I mean, I really work 1 day short every two weeks than FT status, so I might as well reap the benefits of xtra PTO, less insurance out of pocket every paycheck and stuff like that. Tho PT status is nice, cuz I can always tweak my schedule as needed for xtra time or vacation....or ?? Oh well, gots to do whats you got to do at times. Plus, I can't afford to be called off on PT status. It really can add up or minus my PTO bank as it is.

Oh, and the very exciting news recently is my last ultrasound and mammogram showed a 95% chance that the lump/bumps I feel in my L breast are 95% benign. Oh boy!! Really? You couldn't give me an inconclusive like 6 mos ago, you had to give me 95% which leaves me with a 5% margin of ....what cancer?? Like you radiologists need to really get a grip. Like really! The big stumbling block for me right now is either I can try to fight for an appt with a surgeon who will then schedule a biopsy of said area(s). Tho, I may not be able to have a biopsy if they don't know where to stick a needle or cut at. The big thing is that my insurance is totally changing come the 1st of the yr, and knowing the fucking industry as I do layman and as a nurse....they will give me the ol heave ho and say it was a preexisting condition if I get anything in motion before the 1st of the yr. Then I am totally fucked, period.

Call it a day Mr. Spock.

Yeah, I'm a big happy bag of happy-happy, joy-joy the last few days. It's a big deal or maybe not, but it is ( a big deal

to me) in reality here.

Whew!!

2010-11-03T12:08:00.000-07:00

All I can say is Thank GOD that Halloween is over and the election biz. They are both sorta the same thing really. Kinda ugly and scary IMO. Don't get me wrong. I for one usually enjoy Halloween. Tho this year, I didn't really get into it all that much, didn't even decorate til my daughter put up decorations the day of no less. As for the election....yay it's over! Do I agree with the new peeps...not really. I think Ca. made a major mistake in putting Jerry Brown back into office, and there were a few other nonsensical choices that got the power seat ride. Anyhow, just glad I don't have to get puter phone calls anymore regarding "said election local or state," and I don't have to watch the lovely TV smear ads non-stop.

Now it is just Christmad ads and all, oy!!

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES.....

2010-10-28T17:23:00.000-07:00

*just FYI- part of this blog was started 2 days ago, yep I know. How lame RP, how frickin lame.*

(Ahem, 2 days ago)
or maybe not so much with the changes. I dunno......like crap already! My work place is changing significantly due to a new nurse mgr and a new day supervisor (see prior postings). Also, life in general is the same, but not the same. I know, my life is like a frickin Star Trek series or something lately.

Tho I watched Hoarders http://www.aetv.com/hoarders/episode-guide/?bcpid=31358101001&bctid=616382323001 **click on vula/lisa episode, yep that is her name the vula one that is** last nite and my life is nowhere near that bad or on the verge of being condemned (my life and my house), yikes!! I feel like I'm the Bee's Knees Housekeeper, tho I think not, but compared to these peeps I am definitely the BKH!!

My cats have been introduced to some changes of late. Yep, Kaopectate was in order today for sure. I try to be gentle when introducing new food sources, but my big cat that is part Bengal gets his intestines in a twist shall we say......and lets loose. Thankfully it is usually in the cat box. I started my cat buds on EVO and Kahoots kibble. My little monkey girl (aka gimp girl) was twitchy the other day, so I'm like FM! Time to give them quality over IAMS. Tho, IAMS is ok, but it is making my critters fat-tastic!~ So, like some greenbacks later they are getting quality kibble. At the very least they could tone down the "realistic" (it better be real for what I paid for it) fish stink to the Herring/Salmon kibble. Ya know, you would think for the price it wouldn't smell like fish, even tho it is fish kibble....hmmmm......really I don't want much, no really.

(Today-*yawn*)
Gawd I'm tired. I've been this way for the last few days, actually since my last race, but increasingly so. I think my hub's is trying to give me the gak. Tho he blames it on me. Like, really? When did I come home recently sniffling, and with a sore throat? Well, I take that back, I did have a sore throat on/off for the last couple of days, but I'm touting dehydration as the factor. Yeah, right.....dehydration.

Motivation is sorely missing too. I've just been wanting to read, watch tv, nap (tho that hasn't occurred recently) and just lollygag. I have no clue what lollygagging is, but I could be competitive at it that is for sure. I think my Grandpa used to use that term. I know, I know. Yeah, yeah, and I walked to school with barefeet thru the snow too. Tho, we've only experienced snow out here in So Ca. twice since I've been on this Earth...but I've walked to school in it, damn it anyways!!

Anyhow, back to the lollygagging...yep. My running hasn't been up to snuff lately either due to this malady and well, whatcha gonna do? Sometimes you just have to give into the lollygag nature of things. I chalk it up to xtra stresses at work, life...you know, the usual culprits that lead to the lollygag state.

I've decided that it would be cool every once in awhile...maybe more often, to be like my cats. Yep. They have the entire lollygag thing down to a science. They are so comfortable in their surroundings that they sleep on their backs with their feets in the air.

Like what is that? Maybe I should attack their bellies occassionally and they might think twice, eh? Maybe instinct will kick in. Naw...doubtful.

KO back to my lollygagging state for the rest of the day. Tomorrow time to head out for a double possibly, and then an energy drink or something.

Laaahws have mercy Ms. Scarlett!

almost injured... :-(

2010-10-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm, blogdom is acting unusual today, so if this doesn't go thru on 10/18....not my fault man. Just saying......

Still nursing my RLE (aka right lower extremity).

It is an off/on...more on unfortunately battle with my knee, but every other muscle group has decided to complain and be a tight pain in the ass....literally for me. My run today went ok, not too many twinges, tho my R calf was really tight. Like really? C'mon already! Enuf is definitely enuf! Not sure I can manage speedwork as planned in my schedule. Will have to see how my leg/knee feels in the next couple of days. My knee has bugged out before, but not this bad since the 1st marathon I trained for way back in 99'. Damn! I really hate this on the verge of injury and such. I am not a happy injured athlete that is for sure. Tho most of us aren't really.

As for positive vibes, our weather is more fall like again. Very cool indeed. Oh, and I get more girly when I'm near injured or injured. I blow out my hair, do my makeup, etc. I know, I know, but when you run doubles at times...like really, what is the point in doing all the fluff stuff? The fluff and cooking help me cope when I can't spend xtra time out on the trails running as I should be or want to be.

Speaking of which, I guess I should do my stretching/rehab stuff now instead of puttering on the puter.

Oh my!!

2010-10-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

K, this really, truly sucks!! Now I know Mickey D's is not that great for me. Really, my 2 peeps I know this. Tho, their french fries are really hard to resist at certain *ahem* times of the month shall we say, and just when I need an xtra salty, greasy, lift. The other stuff....well whatevah pretty much. I just buy the burger with the fries to justify the fries more times than not. I caught the news tonite. Holy Jahoe-sa-fat!! Literally! Some artsy fartsy vegan no less, likes her Mickey D fries occassionally. Yeah, girl I getcha. Tho, she had heard or read somewhere, p'bly online no less, that a Mickey D's hamburger had lasted for at least 12 months in it's original state. That pretty much means, no mold, no 2ndry/3rd/4th decomp going on at all. Just rigor in general had occurred with all things that sit out in the dry air for a bit. So, back to the news.....and her little science experiment, which is here http://news.softpedia.com/news/Artist-s-Happy-Meal-Project-Proves-McDonald-s-Doesn-t-Ever-Go-Bad-160570.shtml .

Not too much to say after that. Guess I'm gonna go part or full vegetarian. Tho I really need to stay away from Mickey D fries. Maybe I will just hit In & Out. I know they are fresh, cuz I see them cut those little, tasty fries and throw them in the oil whilst I'm waiting.

Other things to check out when you are bored or maybe if I hit a nerve or two.

Also a new flick that is hitting theatres soon and Netflix in the next few months I s'pose. Since everyone is so involved in their own health. Yup!

Enjoy!! Also, consider that I take care of more people in ICU that are repeat offenders...AKA THEY DO NOT TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES AT ALL AND WE ARE A REVOLVING DOOR FOR THEM, than I do people that are new to the unit. Just something to ponder. Tho, the new ones may come back again and again too. Hey, I will always have work one way or another I guess.

It's all about the dirt

2010-10-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

Another race, another day. Actually, I was almost not going to do this race. For one, I knew that I wasn't in race shape. Yeah, yeah, I run alot, but I know when I'm the tortoise and when I'm the hare more or less. Believe me, I've been the tortoise lately and then some.

I ended up driving farther south than expected to pick up my race packet. Cool schwag I must admit SDRI did a good job. Got a sports bag, water bottle, gels, saltstix, coupons....very good. It was comical, cuz at the end of the race there was one woman who was moaning to the RD about "why" she didn't get a race T. She signed up late, like the day before or some such nonsense and the RD stated it would cost him money to have extra shirts made. He did have xtra race T's (which were tech T's by the way), but were selling them at this point. She was not happy. She even asked if they had xtra water bottles.....sheeesh! Get over it already and sign up for a race sooner you dipshit!

Anyhow, the race was on the trails around Lake Hodges. I've run these trails many times before, so I was pretty familiar with them. Figured the race shouldn't hurt too much, ya know? Yep, that's what I figured anyways. The race started almost 1/2 hr late due to the park ranger checking the course and making sure everything was a go. Like whatever that means. We start. I get to chatting with some chick that has made it her goal to do a 1/2 mary every month. I'm like...go girl! She's going to do me in is what I'm thinking. We ran together for a good chunk of the 1st 1/2. I stop at the 2nd aid station to suck down a gu and have some water. I'm really, really glad that I brought my flask of G'Ade. They had Ultima on the course which I hate, ick! Tho, it p'bly doesn't help that when I did the RnR way back in the day, the Ultima they had on course was chunky and not mixed up. Yeah, try to suck that down at mile 18. Uh-huh, exactly! After this aid station we started climbing. Like WTF? I don't r'mber these hills being back here, damn! Lots O climbing. Tho what's a trail run without hills I'm discovering. What happens here, somewhere on these hills, is that I take a berm of single track and tork my right leg pretty good. I knew as soon as I did it....like crap! My knee was tweaky BIG time. Nothing like having issues when you aren't even done w/1/2 of the race yet. So, of course after going up hill for what seemed like frickin forever, ya know what's coming....downhill. I ran down these hills, and my knee was singing here and there. I couldn't go whizzing by peeps like I usually do making up my slow ascent with my fast descents. Yes, now you know my method of madness. I finally made it to the turn around aid station and headed back. It was not pretty. Stopped to stretch here and there, ran a decent amount, then had to walk, cuz of the knee, stretch/run/stretch/walk/run...... Made it in around 2:10ish. Not a great time, but hey, for gimpy girl here it was ok.

I have to say, they had a pretty good spread going at the end. Even homemade chicken and pork tacos. I would very much consider doing another one of these low-key events from SDRI. I like the schwag and I loooved the food!!

Props to my hub's also, who woke up at 0-dark-30 to make me homemade french toast (on homemade bread that he made the day before mind you) before I took off for the race. Also muchas gracias for the great massage post race. :-))

Now, if I could just get my knee back to it's normal state of submission I will be a happy RP.

Letting Go

2010-10-09T07:14:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 4:00 this a.m. First and foremost I had to pee...well you asked. Well, ok maybe you didn't, but whatever. So I hop back into my nice warm bed, and my brain clicks on. Click, click, pop, pop! Yeah, sorta like Rice Krispies. Least there is still something in there to make noise, ya know?

Anyhow, started thinking of T. Haven't heard from him in awhile now. He emailed me a real short version of the weather down in Qatar about a week or so after he landed there. No real noise from him since. Now don't get me wrong, since he has been in the AF, for about 2 yrs now this Dec., I feel I have a done a pretty good job about letting my chick root around out of the nest and spread his wings. I try not to be one of those smothering mommas, but hey, so shoot me I am a mom and I worry bout all my chicks. Plus it's not like he is in another state. He is in an area that still has no real government, there is still major hate and hostility by a majority of people against the U.S. in general. Even tho before he left he told me that it was more of a "Club Sands" that he was going to, it still is foreign soil with land mines, guns and suicide bombers. Yeah, I'm gonna worry bout him....just a little.

Someone at work asked about him a couple of weeks ago (her husband is ex-military-special forces). I told her that I hadn't heard from him, cept for one email. She stated that all correspondence is screened. Maybe he just has limited internet use or at least limited email and social networking use. As long as T gets to play online MMOs then he is good to go for his 120 day stay.

Ok, I guess my job with T is done as far as parenting goes. Well more or less done. The ultimate goal is to raise your kids, so they can be "let go." It's that simple. Basically, I need to believe that he is safe, happy and well. I need to Let Go and Let God......yeah, easier said than done sometimes, specially during the wee hrs of the mornings.

Dailies

2010-10-06T17:22:00.000-07:00

Ugh! A mind is a terrible thing!! I keep forgetting I changed my gmail PW and of course, blogger world here is Google based more or less...anyhoooo crap!!

Had a great nap today. Still frickin tired tho. Like whatsup with that? I must be getting frickin old

or something. 2 backtoback 12hr+ work days sorta do me in also. My hat is off to the nurses that do 3 days in a row...holy crap Batman!! Pull up those tights why doncha! I did 3's every so often when I was a noob RN, but I smartened up real quick.

No 2 ways about it, it physically beats the living stuffing out of me and mentally
I'm a toasted critter to say the least.

Oh, and props to Tasha for her neverending search for pinkness. This being PinkTober month aka Breast CA Awareness month.

So not to fret my 2 fans/readers, I will be posting pics of anything that impresses me retail that is pink in honor of this month. The Pinkies that is, that is making all this dough off of BCS. Hey, we are living in a free enterprise nation, are we not? Just saying.

I've decided to at least do the 1/2 trail this weekend. Was contemplating not doing it, only cuz the usual. Like I feel like I'm not in shape enuf to do the damn thing!! My fave SW at work stated that I should do the race and stated "you may not PR, but you are in most xcellent condition", or something along those lines. I just smiled at her. Yeah, little does she know the fat, surly side of me these last few days. I think a slug could move faster down the road than I can lately. I will suck it up tho. I'm really counting on that wonderful competitive, take no shit from peeps and A-TYPE personality to make it's ugly appearance on Saturday. It better by god, it better! As for my other race.......welp *choke* I'm trying to get someone to switch days with me. Tho part of me wants to can the "World's Toughest Trail Marathon" it sounds really frickin painful to say the least and going to work would p'bly be easier even with possibly 2 admits of crash & burn type patients. I will give it the RP try...really, I will.....*ahem*, yepp.

Fat, Surly update....

2010-10-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that about sums it up lately, or at least today. Sorry T, just had to use that for my blog title today. Anyhoooo, after being sick, having days off from running, then work, and shorter runs...well large and in charge with the fat and surly on the sides please.

Motivation is extremely lacking with me as far as my running goes lately. Hey, I get this way from time to time. It's just one of those times of year I guess.

On another note, we've had the bestest weather lately. Our 90-110 degree stretch, morphed into monsoon weather with high humidity...blech, then we got some real winter-like cloud cover with rain, cool rain and weather. Oh yeah!! Love this stuff over the humidity and the dregs of being able to fry an egg on the sidewalk HOT stuff. I'm gonna enjoy it whilst we have it that is for sure. They say (yeah, like are they ever right?), we are going to jump back into the 80's by this weekend. Nuthin like So Ca schizophrenic weather lately.

Well, the Bull (our newest charge nurse supervisor) came to days about a week ago. Yep, he has arrived. So far things are going. He is being very good at not running into the china (us day nurses). I refer to this dude as a "Bull in a china shop." He is trying to make changes. Some changes are good and some are just anal changes, and we will see how far he gets to push his way thru things.

Our new mgr is still learning the ropes, and I think he put himself in deep doo....well lets just say I think he is more administration than nursing now. Which really depresses me. Being a nurse mgr you have to walk a fine line, but when push comes to shove you have to back up your nurses. I really don't see him doing that in the long run. Sooooo, my fellow 2 readers I will bide my time and take it shift by shift. I'm still checking job boards, etc., but the real question is do I want to drive > 1+ to get to work? Right now my drive takes me about 45-50min to get down to work. I also have to consider if I leave the system then I have to start all over with my seniority, PTO, etc. As you know, I'm a thinker...sometimes too much. So I guess I should take my own advice I gave a friend a couple of days ago. Don't think beyond too much and take it shift by shift.

Time to stop thinkin...and lay like a veggi on the couch for a bit. Yeah, that sounds like the best plan of action for the rest of the day.

What? No Gluten??

2010-09-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

R'mber that Looney Toons cartoon where there is this big, bulldog who sits down at his dish and states, "WHAT? NO GRAVY?? Maybe not, maybe I am def dating myself with this cartoon, but it is a fave line in our house from time to time. This is how it has been with pretty much nada of gluten in my diet since this last weekend. Actually I must admit my guts are treating me mucho better, thank God for small favors, soooooo.....maybe I do have a slight to moderate intolerance to it. Tho, it makes me sad, cuz I love my bread products soooo much!!

Plus, gluten-free shit is waaay expensive.

The peeps are making a fortune from those of us who don't tolerate gluten very well. I bought some gluten-free bread (yes, they do have this) talk about small ass pieces, bout 3/4's of the size of regular bread, like I'm almost eating a cracker here. This bread loaf, if you call it a loaf was $5, the snack foods that I bought (mainly for work) were in the $4 range/bag. Yeah, tell me about the gouge, I'm feeling it my friends, I'm feeling it. I also buy gluten-free pasta. Actually I buy Quinoa that they morph into pasta...yum!! Love regular Quinoa and the pasta ain't so bad either. Originally I bought the Q-Pasta around $3-4/box, then I found it at Baron's for the $2ish range, much better deal. Yeah, it is a def search to find decent prices on these food items that is for sure. Tho, since my stomach is behaving and not giving me grief, I guess it is worth it in the long run, so I don't have the runs. :-(

On a side note, I started up my 2nd blog. It is just a rant/vent festival for me primarily. I know, I know, like this one isn't like that? Tho my new blog deals with a certain aspect of my life primarily. It's still a work in progress, sorta like that part of my life. If you are lucky enuf you might get an email invite from me to check it out.....tho if you don't, no worries on your part. It ain't all that and a bag of potato chips that is for sure.

K, off to run in the slightly cool (right now that is, all bets are off in an hr our so), swamp type weather we are having here lately. Lovely.

Ciao Darhlings!!!

screw it!!

2010-09-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

The 2nd blog. I figure if I screw myself, I screw myself. If I gab about my s'posed pts....ya know, I may not be an RN, yeah right...of course.

Anyhooo, whew! Glad I got that off my chest.

Just dunked myself in the pool. Stayed out for about, ummm, 2min if that. It is still 107 outside according to my iPhone app. It was s'posedly a nice simmering 111

at the peak of today's heat index. Like, really? Did I not say it was Fall in a few blog posts back? Did the Fall equinox not start already? Hellloooo people, like what the monkey up there? You have your timing of seasons all F'd up! Yeah, believe me you do.

Just checking out recipes again. This time veggi recipes. I should check out gluten free recipes too. I love bread. I've had the Celiac testing for gluten intolerance and I'm cool, but man, my guts have

been giving me hell the last few weeks every time I eat something with wheat. Not sure if that is the trigger, but more and more it looks like it. Like....what else, really, what else? Oh well, lots of peeps have to live with it, and some stars do it just because.....like whatever, and get a life. Eat some bread already! Oh, and dip it in some nice Olive Oil...yummmm!!

Anyhoo, due to my guts I did not run today. Tomorrow is work and I will put in enuf time on my feet, so I figure maybe by Wed. my guts will be treating me better. Figures I've recently signed for 2 events and now I've been out of sorts for 3 days+ and I will p'bly have to find someone to trade with me at work the day I'm s'posed to do my trail marathon. Again....like whatever already.

I tell ya, am I a Cali Princess or what?

the neverending search

2010-09-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

for the perfect blog background for my 2nd blog. Yes, I was serious. I'm soooo damn picky it is very limiting to say the least. Then when I find one....bleh! Can't DL the darn thing correctly.

Also, I have my Darwin pics for the day. I saw two guys out (seperately) this a.m. Late a.m. mind you. When it was more than likely already > 100 outside. They were running. Both of them when I caught sight of them were running uphill. Both of them were on the tad overweight side. Both of them were p'bly 30's-40's. What's all this mean? Ummmm, like local fodder for the ERs up here my peeps. Most definitely. Big stoopid doods.

I'm still here...well I think anyways

2010-09-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's like been a week. Like kick me in the butt already! Yeah, yeah, I have my hot moments where I'm a blogging maniac, then I have inbetweeners...guess this was an inbetweener week. Plus, the last few days I haven't been feelin the love. Lets just say, lotso pain and leave it at that shall we? Speakin of feelin the love....Grr is like buggin me now that I'm bloggin. Like dude, really?

Anyhow, back to the subject at hand before Grr stepped in here. I really hope this is my last time for being quasi-sick. It never fails that after I get my flu vaccination it opens my immune system up for a whole variety of bugs. Even tho, they tell me..."oh no" it won't make you sick. Yeah, like shut up already! I know it does, thank you very much. We shall see, we shall see.

I haven't been running in like 2 days, so went out today. Heaven! I didn't run very long, maybe about 40min, but it felt wuunderful. I know, I'm a real sick puppy, eh?

Alrighty back to my ZippFizz B12 fix and possibly starting another blog. I know, what a go-getter I am today. Uh-huh.........

2010-09-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

3 a.m. brain drain

2010-09-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

Yep, I shulda just got my rears out of bed at 3 instead of trying to go back to sleep and waking up with a sleep hangover or something that feels like a frickin hangover. Tho, no alcohol involvement...damn!

One of the worst things about waking up is the fact that 98%

*the female brain---ummm, s'posedly*

of the time my brain clicks into gear. This time, I started thinking about what to post in my blog. Like really? Really?? Anyhow, here it is.........

First and foremost, like I've known this, but every once in awhile I have to smack myself and reaffirm this truism. There is hardly any immediate gratification in life. What does happen immediately, like shopping, eating something sinful, drinking a little too much, or ranting (I'm sure there is more, but it tis early) on impulse only gratifies for a short time, then you are hit with the repercussions of your impulses and need for immediate gratification.

Being a Critical Care Nurse for almost my entire career, with slight segues in Trauma and HH.

I know that like running there is (usually) no immediate returns on my efforts. It is a long, day in and day out process. Sometimes with little gems every once in awhile, but more often than not, just putting your head down and knowing that you will receive returns at one time or another has to be enough. You have to acquire your base, your endurance and be able to go anaerobic in both areas without keeling over. You will be sore from physical exertion and so tired (mentally and physically) at times you think...oh fuck this nonsense! But then somehow you (I) go back to the unit or you (I) lace up those trainers and head out the door again for another day.

I have to remember I made the choice of going back to school for nursing. At times I say, why? There are alot more jobs where I wouldn't have to mess with bodily fluids/waste, nasty wounds and phlegm on a daily basis, and get paid bigger dollars than what I get paid. Then again, I wouldn't be able to look back thru my career already and know that I had a hand in saving several lives, from as young as 16 to 95. That I was also there with family of patient(s) nursing the patient and giving as much emotional support as needed to the family of their passing loved one. Soooo, I have to remind myself every time I go to work, that yeah, in some small way I make a difference with what I do every single time.

K, time to lace up my kicks for a hearty interval session. Oh the joy!! :-)

I'm tired now...I think I'm gonna go home....

2010-09-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

great quote from Forrest Gump. Yep, I've seen that movie several times and then again since my kids love it.

I watched the latest Oprah. Ok, are you done laughing at me yet? Hmmm......now? K, very good. She had the whole 1987 W. Virginia episode on today. I saw this episode live mind you, either after my 1st was born or after work and still preggers. At the time, I thought...holy crap! This town is very backwards and I felt bad for the gay dude. Little did I know at that time I would go back to school in 94' (at nite primarily) when this guy actually passed to start my RN degree.

Today after watching the 23yrs after episode I'm more determined than ever to make my career count for patients that actually need me. Not some older person on a vent who is basically DOV (dead on the vent) waiting for their family to get it together and call it quits. Believe me, more often than not, that doesn't transpire at all. What an awful way to live out whatever time you have because your family either, A) can't come to grips with your medical situation, B) they are being selfish and keeping you alive for themselves, regardlesss of your condition or your wishes. Yeah, believe it or not, I see B more times than just A my peeps.

I'm tired of this my friends. I keep searching for my nursing niche. In a way, I think I have found it after this episode. I need to make a difference or what is the point in my career choice? It isn't about keeping > 90 yr olds alive or peeps that are brain dead alive. It is about nursing those who are alive and viable. It is about giving hope to those who have lost hope and can go on, who think they can't. It is about care and compassion first to the patient and then to their families as needed.

I am a RN damn it anyways! A good one at that by the way. I need to make a difference almost daily while I'm at work, and not wonder WTF I'm doing while I'm at work keeping status quo and peeps alive that do NOT have the quality of life God intended them to .

Time for a change for this RN. Very soon indeed.

Fall...Fall...

2010-09-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

I think if I was to pick a favorite season out here in Cali, it would have to be fall. Now don't get me wrong we definitely don't have the great fall weather that they do back east. Ya know, leaves turning colors, crispness in the air, so forth and so on. Tho we do have our own little shift. Right now our shift is from 100 down to the low 90's. Ahhh, yes, you can almost see your breath at times, it is so cool. We are somewhat cooling down at nite, so I can at least cuddle under a light blanket at about 3a.m. or so. Sometimes the weather by Halloween is actually in the low 80's, almost wool coat weather if I must say so.

Other than the weather shifts, including our lovely Santa Ana winds we get. I start to cook a little bit more in the fall. I'm not sure why, but maybe it is a subconscious thing where I need to make sure I have some cooking skills left prior to Turkey Day and Christmas, just in case I'm offered up to make something. I glean new recipes off the web and on TV. I take mental notes from peeps at work and friends when they are gabbing about something that they make up that is Deeelish! Monday I made chicken tostadas and instead of going thru all of the prep work of making Pico De Gallo (basically that is what it was), I bought mine. They were yummy! 4 stars

Tonite it's another new dish with a side of stuffed mushrooms (no not magic mushrooms silly peeps).

Did I already say that I ♥ fall??

For not...or is that nought?

2010-09-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

Ummm, like yep. My a.m. was sorta shot to hell more or less. I got my buns out of bed early, cuz according to my lovely place of biz,

3 wks ago or there abouts, they emailed everyone and told them they were having a Cultural Forum (whatever the hell that is) and it was mandatory. Welp, I figured, the only day I had available was today more or less, so I signed up. Long story short, I found out Sat. at work that it is not mandatory and all the higher-ups were worried, cuz they didn't think they would have enuf parking or building space for >1000 employees that had signed up (now r'mber this was s'posed to be mandatory) at each time(s) the meeting(s) were to take place during this month. I figured WTH? I mean it is money, they are paying me for time, so whatever, guess I will go as planned. On my way down the 15, there were 2 accidents, that traffic was stopped for other than the usual crap. One pretty bad accident was a rollover on the other side of the freeway, and of course, this being Calif. and all, peeps had to slow down and rubberneck.

Like WTF people get your asses moving! Some of us people have somewhere to be damn it anyways! I finally get thru the stop/go sludge of the early rush hr traffic only to find that I can't turn left into this church (I guess our bldg is behind a church. Yep, I have never had the need/desire to visit this bldg I knew nothing about), at the very least they had hired a private co. to help direct said traffic. So I have to drive down more south on Black Mt Rd before I can make a decent/somewhat safe U-turn. Already I figured I shoulda stayed in bed, ya know? Get to the church, turn in, the private traffic guy states that there p'bly isn't anymore parking spots. Lo and behold he is right. Grrrrr.......... Let me put it this way, I'm still putting in time spent under my eduational hrs. It was a big, ridiculous waste of my time and gas, so yeah, I'm getting paid for it.

Done with this shit. Now what? I wanted to stop by REI since I was down south, but they don't open for another hr or so. I find a Starbucks off the freeway, and just plant it for a bit. Hey I get free WiFi on my iphone, so I ain't complaining. Waste some time, figure traffic should be better. Nope! Stop and go for a bit til I hit the 52. Then it is coast til I get to the store. Needless to say, other than my cool Salomons I picked up to take the place of my Innov8's (they are on BO hell from the manufacturer doncha know) the a.m. would hae been a total bust. The shoes saved part of the a.m., but not the "pretending" to sleep-in til 6:30 or even 7:00 if I'm lucky part.

Oh well, silver lining and all that I s'pose.

Ants in my pants.... :-/

2010-09-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

.....Life is like a box of chocolates. Ya never know what you are going to get. Forest Gump

Ain't that the fucking truth? Actually, I'm not really complaining, well maybe a wee bit, sorta. I mean I have all my extremities, my fam is healthy and happy----as much as can be expected with 2 teens living at home. My furry kids are healthy and active. I have a job. Yes, that is priceless in this economy. Tho, lately.....I just get antsy.

I have a very bad character flaw, ssshhhhhh! Don't spread it around. I get bored very easily at times. I told you not to say anything, QUIET!! It's helpful at times and at other times it is a pain in my ass.

Helpful like in, baaah I'm tired of watching tv or playing on the internet, reading, etc. Maybe a run or a quick drive to the gym to swim. Yeah, very good! At that point I'm usually on the move. Not so helpful in, damn......there are no races out there! Do I really want to race? Like WTF? No races. Oh, and there are plenty, just not any that strike a fire under my feets. Then there is the on/off boredom at work. Not so challenging at times and I really get tired of DOVs (Dead On The Vent patients).

Oh well, suck it up buttercup! Yep, that is my motto, cuz I know that my boredom usually passes after awhile. If not, then I find ways around it one way or another.

It's really hard on me when I get antsy like this, cuz work is a good chunk of what makes me tick, and running.....I can't do without. Tried, doesn't work. I not only get cranky mentally when I don't run, but physically my bod acts like I've got some sorta new fangled staph infection or something.

Sooooo back to Active and Xterra, and........to find some events for me's. As for work, right now there is nothing to do but bite the bullet and stay put for awhile. Maybe work on getting a CCRN Cert this spring. Challenge myself in diff ways. Just "Chillax" like I tell some of my fidgety patients from time to time.

Yeah, CHILLAXIN......sounds really good right now.

2010-09-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

‎...Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain!

2010-09-09T16:41:00.000-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Tho, I have to say, my cats can be pretty darn loud at times.

Yeah Sept. and it's.............

2010-09-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

FRICKIN HOT peeps!! Like Hades is p'bly cooler than here the last few days. It was a blood boiling 110 yesterday. Yep, that is a BIG 1-1-0. Sucks!! You know it is hot when you get in your pool to cool off and the water (that you never have heated...at all) is 87 degrees or there abouts. Still slightly cooler than the ambient temp mind you, but........yeah, you get the point.

Mind you I do not train or race well in the heat. I do go out in the a.m., but sometimes it is getting up there with the heat index by about the middle of my run. I deal, but I need to gently remind myself that I WILL not race in the heat. Repeat....WILL not race in the heat. I always take notice and think about running races in tropical venues or running races with names like Running With The Devil or Mt.Disappointment....like duh! Look at the names girlfriend (yeah, I tend to talk to myself quite often), why would it be that they give these names to said events....HELLO!? McFly are you in there?

They (the summer races/events) look challenging and god awful painful. Hey, I have some patients and their families that are xtra challenging, (not xactly the right word).....now if I knew about them before taking report on them...would I volunteer to take them and their luggage on for the day? Yeah, I think not. Sooo, why am I so eager to do it with a racing event that I know will cause great physical and mental discomfort, pain and possibly even death? Yeah, I'm dramatic at times, what can I say? You get the jist of it tho.

Speaking of self flagellation, I was watching with great interest and awe mind you, the Discovery Channel this afternoon. Their show was of elite military boot camp basically. You know, Special Ops/Forces, such as the Navy Seals, USAF Pararescue, Army Rangers, etc. What these guys put themselves thru to make the cut into the Elite is butt crazy! It makes training and doing an IM and/or Badwater look like a walk in the park. Seriously...a frickin walk in the park.

Finally.......

2010-08-30T16:37:00.000-07:00

The end of August is almost here. Hallelujah!! Amen Brother!!

Found out yesterday that T is flying out from SC to Germany in route to Qatar today and not on the 1st. That figures...well sorta being August still and all. I'm good. Got to talk with him yesterday and all. He is actually looking forward to it, and getting away from SC. All I can think is dude, like it is 135 and frickin cookin in Iraq. In more ways than one, but I will zip it.....tis his life and career and he loves it so far. Kudos T! Kudos!

Other than that, life has been grand *cough-cough-choke* We had a potty (aka upstairs toilet) leak thru our kitchen ceiling. Nice---not! We didn't really notice it since our ugly flourescent ceiling fixture (the norm in most So Ca tract homes) sorta blocked what was going on, til the drywall got really wet, soggy and sorta moldy, yeah, nasty biz. Anyhooo, long story short is that I tore some of the ceiling down, sanded down the areas I could reach and sprayed bleach. After the fact, I figured.....huh, shulda been wearing a mask since there was some mold. Like whatever.

Our plumber came out yesterday.

Luckily it was just the toilet ring that needed to be replaced and not some major leak in the pipe in the ceiling itself. Get this tho, this major ass pipe was right next to the electrical in the ceiling. Can we say....stooopid and who the fuck thought that this was a good idea while drawing up plans???

Now we, like my hub's and I are in the process of patching and texturing our ceiling. At the very least I get a decent lite fixture replacement out of it and new paint to commence sometime in Sept. Sahweeet!

Work has been somewhat slow, which isn't a real good thing at times. I'm still waiting for flu season. C'mon flu season!! Bird flu, SARS, piggy...I really don't give a crap at this point as long as I can work and maybe pick up some xtra hrs here and there.

My running is going. My knee is sore at times, but the butt :-) of it is it is musculature gone wrong that travels from my hip primarily. Told Brian it was p'bly too much hill work on my part. I figure I will lay off doing hill repeats for the next 2 wks. Hopefully, I can recover. Plus, I usually trade out my shoes, but I'm still waiting on my trail shoes to arrive from ZR. We shall see what transpires. That's about all I can do at this point.

K, looking waaay forward to Sept. and a new month. Man, I am soooo looking forward to 9/1.

Positive Vibes

2010-08-30T07:22:00.001-07:00

Re-shared this on FB. When your perspective is slightly screwed up...r'mber this....

Running Princess

Here I am......

A New Start.....

To-do mucky-muck......

Losing my faith......

QOD--- TY Rocky Balboa

Downtime.....*sigh*

Letters....but you should know....

and so I ran........

Eating my way thru Chicago...... Part Dos

Chicago, Chicago....part uno

Letters.....

It still is

I'm ok, like really??

tis been awhile

Letters.........

Yep, Yep........

Really? Like WTF?

Maui, here the hell I come baby!!

Tis finally July, and??

"Happy Birthday Baby!! ........

Letters.....

WHATZUP???

Ahhhh...home :-)

one foot in front of the other

On Another Note.....

Letters......

I do declare, by gawd....it's the south!

Letters......

a goodbye

Yes, I can!!

Got Gas?

this kinda sux!

Whatsup??

A difference?

Pass the deep fried butter, if you will.....

perspective??

my life in a nutshell

This is just not right!!

Bumps in the road....

Really??

weekly recap

Pepcid Puhleeez!!

Another year

mixed nuts

my race

Life

My Center

my bucket list

In transition....

Yes!! Tis My Year!!

2010's 4-5 stars!!

Merry Christmas--you filthy animals!!

rounding the corner

Oh no...they got Santa!!

Tis the season.....

No...no!! I'm just fluffy is all!

Tid Bits......

going for the brass ring

off the wagon

It's been....

Damn Ooompa Looompas!

whatsup?

Whew!!

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES.....

almost injured... :-(

Oh my!!

It's all about the dirt

Letting Go

Dailies

Fat, Surly update....

What? No Gluten??

screw it!!

the neverending search

I'm still here...well I think anyways

3 a.m. brain drain

I'm tired now...I think I'm gonna go home....

Fall...Fall...

For not...or is that nought?

Ants in my pants.... :-/

Downtime.....sigh